Listening to hunger cues

It should be so easy... to eat only when you feel hungry and stop once you're satiated. This idea of listening to one's body, one's own hunger cues, and using them to guide the amount of food we consume, is not a new one. Babies eat this way. Toddlers eat this way. My own son eats this way.

If you're like me, somewhere along this life you became fearful of hunger, and do your very best to avoid it. This makes dieting very hard, because even the slightest growl of my stomach would send me anxiously to the kitchen. To keep that feeling of hunger away, I would stuff myself at meal times and graze in between.

Combine this habit with the feeling of happiness and comfort I get when I eat, make me an emotional eater. Many emotional eaters are also binge eaters -- stuffing themselves with enormous amounts of food eaten at a furious pace -- but I have rarely ever truly binged.

I am unable, however, to leave food on my plate at meal times unless the food is not to my taste. And I will go back for seconds even after reaching fullness if the food is particularly tasty.

The following are what I have been doing to rewire my brain and become more intuitive when it comes to food.

1. I wait until I feel hungry to make myself breakfast, and because many times I don't feel hungry in the morning, my first meal ends up being around lunch time. 
2. I make myself small portions, for example I will make one egg on one piece of toast instead of a two-egg sandwich because I have found that this is usually enough to curb my hunger without the need for doubled calories.
3.  I try to drink water with my meals, and slow down my eating. 
4. I try to focus on my food instead of mindlessly multi-tasking. I keep most irresistible (to me) snacks out of the house altogether. 
5. To avoid taking unneeded seconds I have been making only enough dinner for one plate per person. 
6. I drink tea after dinner to up my water intake and avoid snacking.

These are a few habits I have found to work. I have not tied myself down and forced myself to do them - they are organic ways I have noted that keep me more in tuned with my body's cues.

This hasn't been easy. And last night, after a day spent listening to a book about ending emotional eating, I ate too much cookie dough and cookies despite a complete lack of hunger. This was after I saw a sold 192 on the scale that morning - one whole pound down in one week! I could not weigh myself this morning because the batteries are low, but once more are purchased I will update.

The process is more important than the end point, because the only true end point in life is death. Morbid, but true. I hope that day is a long, LONG way off, so I will continue to improve my health as best I can. More later.

Emotional Eating

After working out and tracking my calories for four straight days, I expected to see movement on the scale this morning, but no such luck. It was up a little bit to 193.6.

No matter. I have committed to getting my habits under control, and I trust my weight will take care of itself.

Today I have taken an interest in the topic of emotional eating. I have done a little research and realized this may be the root of my weight issues.

I was thin until my first few months at University, after which I became pregnant. I was depressed being away from family, being away from my then boyfriend, not having any money, and not doing well in my classes. Every morning (IF I got up that morning...) I would go to the convenience store in my dorm and buy a big pastry and chocolate milk to wash it down. I would take a soda with me to class. At lunch I would eat a large sub sandwich or piece of pizza, with chips and soda to go with it. For dinner I would go to the salad bar and load up, or I would get a burger, or I would go back to the convenience store and get a cheesy panini, which I would eat with a large jug of juice, chips with ranch dip, and candy.. candy.. candy. I had a stash of snacks to eat as I sat at my desk until 2 or 3 AM.

I ate all of this regardless of how hungry I was. I don't recall every actually being hungry.

But it made me feel better to sit alone in my dorm room and fend off any emotional pain by keeping myself preoccupied with the internet and tasty treats. This had never been an issue for me as a child - I never used food as a way to heal myself from negative feelings. But during this time my brain rewired itself and sought out food as a comfort item.

One good thing from that time is that I also went to the gym a few times per week to lift weights, swim, and sit in the sauna. I wish I had used this outlet more often, because it was a healthier way of coping with my emotions.

Looking forward, I know I must examine my relationship with food because every time my life became stressful or chaotic, I used it to comfort myself. I tend to find weight loss success during calm times in my life, but then I will quickly gain it all back once times get a little tough. I must get control of this habit, because life will always have good times and bad. I cannot continue the cycle of being a "fair weather" success story, where I can only reach my goals during sunny days and can't cope when the thunderstorms hit hard.

I think it was a good first step to realize how my relationship with food has affected me since that depression when I was 18. Moving forward, I hope to gain tools to use to identify emotional eating (stomach hunger vs. heart hunger), and to find alternative ways to deal with stress, anger, fear, etc.

I have to go. I will return with more insights.

It's an odd thing to read through past blog posts...

I've read through everything, every eye-opening, heart-breaking post, every triumphant, goal-smashing post, and everything in between. It's been 5 years since I lost all the baby weight. These 5 years have been the epitome of "life" -- ups and downs (including two new worst days of my entire life), heartbreak and new love, hard work and pay off, and weight loss and weight gain.

To quickly summarize: I paid off my past student loan in 2013, decided to go back to school, applied and got in to Clark's Dental Hygiene Program, started the program in 2014, was unceremoniously dumped by Matt the first week of school, lost 20 pounds in three weeks, met William in October 2014, got my driver's license in April 2015 and bought a car in August, lost the custody battle for my son later that month, saw him off to his first day of kindergarten in September, moved into an apartment with William later that month, discovered I had gained thirty pounds by December 2015, saw 200 on the scale for the first time since pregnancy in May 2016, graduated as a dental hygienist in June 2016, moved to a house in the gorge with William in July 2016, received my RDH license that same month, and I've applied to jobs and have gone to a couple interviews, and that brings me to today.

Wow. I wish I hadn't stopped posting to this blog because I love reading about my feelings as life happens. I was writing in a journal fairly regularly but that laptop was stolen last year and I lost all of it.

Today I weigh 192.9 pounds. That's exactly the same weight as my very first post to this blog, which I made on January 11, 2010. Over 6 years of ups and downs, with almost nothing to show for it.

I say "almost" because I have learned a lot about myself, I have matured quite a bit, and my reasons for weight loss are more well-rounded than they were when I was younger.

I'm not sure if I ever had a "reason" for weight loss other than vanity, and perhaps being stronger. After a very stressful two years in the hygiene program, working harder than I ever have in my life, I've come out on the other side knowing I can accomplish ANYTHING I set my mind to. My main concern for myself at this weight are all the health risks. I am hyper aware of my own mortality and it scares me to think my last days could be spent in agony because I didn't take care of myself in my younger years. The main illnesses I want to avoid are diabetes, heart disease, and cancer. All three can be prevented with a proper diet and regular cardiovascular exercise.

So I have set a pretty lofty goal for myself: to be 150 pounds by the time I turn 27. But more importantly than the goal is the daily effort and perseverance it will take to reach it. THAT is my focus now - gaining momentum and keeping a chain of effort going. Because if I've learned anything about myself it's that I am excellent at sitting sedentary, wishing for success to be handed to me. Rereading this blog reminded me that I took matters into my own hands once, and saw amazing results. This is the long game now - the fifty-year plan that will keep me mobile and happy until I am elderly.

Some bonuses to this fifty-year plan would be a more attractive physique, but it's not my focus anymore. Blood-sugar levels, cholesterol, blood pressure, etc. are my concerns. I've seen people who are 60, hunched and on dozens of medications due to years of self-neglect and I compare them to those who are 80, still able to pursuit their interests because they remained active and had the self-control to maintain their health.

The main tool is motivation, which will require a conscious effort until momentum kicks in. For me, downward movement on the scale is huge motivation. To reach my goal of 150 by my birthday, I will need to lose 43 pounds in 25 weeks. That's 1.72 pounds per week, which is in the healthy range for weight loss. I think focusing on the PROCESS of losing weight: the overhaul of the diet, the daily exercise, the increased water consumption, etc. is more important than focusing on the actual goal of seeing 150 on the scale, because sustaining these daily choices are more important than the number, in terms of health. Form good daily habits, and the weight will take care of itself.

My main problem that resulted in weight loss, every single time, was a lack of accountability and denial about the amount of food I ate compared to the amount of energy I expended. So I'm back to tracking calories, and I'm back to doing daily Zumba. These two things were what helped me to lose nearly 30 pounds in six months, it can help me again.

I plan to pick up the online journal again, as that was another tool that seemed to work. More soon.