Emotional Eating

After working out and tracking my calories for four straight days, I expected to see movement on the scale this morning, but no such luck. It was up a little bit to 193.6.

No matter. I have committed to getting my habits under control, and I trust my weight will take care of itself.

Today I have taken an interest in the topic of emotional eating. I have done a little research and realized this may be the root of my weight issues.

I was thin until my first few months at University, after which I became pregnant. I was depressed being away from family, being away from my then boyfriend, not having any money, and not doing well in my classes. Every morning (IF I got up that morning...) I would go to the convenience store in my dorm and buy a big pastry and chocolate milk to wash it down. I would take a soda with me to class. At lunch I would eat a large sub sandwich or piece of pizza, with chips and soda to go with it. For dinner I would go to the salad bar and load up, or I would get a burger, or I would go back to the convenience store and get a cheesy panini, which I would eat with a large jug of juice, chips with ranch dip, and candy.. candy.. candy. I had a stash of snacks to eat as I sat at my desk until 2 or 3 AM.

I ate all of this regardless of how hungry I was. I don't recall every actually being hungry.

But it made me feel better to sit alone in my dorm room and fend off any emotional pain by keeping myself preoccupied with the internet and tasty treats. This had never been an issue for me as a child - I never used food as a way to heal myself from negative feelings. But during this time my brain rewired itself and sought out food as a comfort item.

One good thing from that time is that I also went to the gym a few times per week to lift weights, swim, and sit in the sauna. I wish I had used this outlet more often, because it was a healthier way of coping with my emotions.

Looking forward, I know I must examine my relationship with food because every time my life became stressful or chaotic, I used it to comfort myself. I tend to find weight loss success during calm times in my life, but then I will quickly gain it all back once times get a little tough. I must get control of this habit, because life will always have good times and bad. I cannot continue the cycle of being a "fair weather" success story, where I can only reach my goals during sunny days and can't cope when the thunderstorms hit hard.

I think it was a good first step to realize how my relationship with food has affected me since that depression when I was 18. Moving forward, I hope to gain tools to use to identify emotional eating (stomach hunger vs. heart hunger), and to find alternative ways to deal with stress, anger, fear, etc.

I have to go. I will return with more insights.

I'm ravenous and shaky...

I just competed the first workout I've done in a long, LONG time.

I honestly cannot remember the last time I did an exercise TV workout, or popped a Zumba DVD... I did do half a core workout from P90X with Matthew last month, but I don't count that as actually working out since I didn't get sweaty enough to warrant a shower.

This afternoon I was sitting on the couch wondering what to do next... when I pulled up Blogger to write an entry here, but then realized that I really didn't have a whole lot to talk about! I had done troupe on Sunday, but that was it in regards to exercise. So I started weighing my options with what I wanted to do in terms of cardio or weights and nothing really got me motivated... I considered going for a run (decided I didn't want to go out and discover how bad at running I've actually become), or doing P90X (I don't really want to deal with Tony today, and I don't want to make a 90-day commitment when I know I can't stick with it), or Zumba (I wanted to lift, not dance, today). Right when I was about to just pull out a couple sheets from Cosmo, I remembered the 10 Pound Slimdown. I was about to say "no way! I don't want to get THAT sweaty!" when I stopped myself and decided, if I want to make more changes to my body, I have to stop making excuses. So I pulled up the exercise on-demand to see if the program was even still available.

I was expecting to see the "10 Pound Slimdown" button and was very surprised to "10lb Xtreme Slimdown". Something new! I love trying new things!

And I certainly did see results after doing the regular Slimdown program, so I think hitting the ground running with this slightly harder version will be just what I need.

And I CERTAINLY gave my muscles a huge jolt. Today was Full-Body extreme, plus bonus buns. I was shaking and drenched at the end of the 40 minute full-body workout. She had a lot of the same moves as her other workouts, but there were a lot of new ones, different cardio drills and a FOURTH circuit. Oh my GOD those circuits work your butt off (literally, I hope!) I couldn't even do the buns workout, and believe me, I tried. I was taking my shower, and had difficulty keeping my arms lifted to wash my hair, and my leg was shaking when I lifted my foot to wash my toes. And now I'm waiting not-so-patiently for dinner, because I'm feeling weak with hunger.

Okay, so I just ate, half a filet of pan-seared tilapia, half a scoop of instant mashed potatoes, one fiber granola bar, and a couple spoonfuls of blueberry yogurt. Then I washed it down with a cup of ice water along with a multi-vitamin and calcium tablets. I feel very satisfied, even though I know I could have eaten a lot more. Earlier today I had an egg with cheese on a piece of buttered toast, plus a big mug of coffee and a weight watchers ice cream bar.

I'm really proud of myself for restarting the fitness routines. I won't be able to follow her weekly plan exactly, because I don't have a lot of time to work out most days. But I CAN stick to a better eating plan, and I promise to make the workouts a priority -- to not skip it when I actually have the time. I'm worth it!

But I am definitely going to be feeling today's workout in the morning WOO boy.

I'm going to measure my body and then weigh myself in the morning so I can track my progress accurately. Here are the stats:

Bicep at armpit: 13 inches
Chest w/ bra: 36.5 inches
Ribcage: 29 inches
Waist at smallest part: 28.5 inches
Tummy pooch: 38 inches
Upper hip (right under tummy pooch) 38 inches
Lower hip (right above thighs, across pubic bone) 40 inches
Thigh at crotch: 25 inches

In contrast with 6 months ago: 12.5 in bicep, 37 in chest, 30 in ribcage, 28.5 waist, 38.5 in upper hip, 41.5 in lower hip, and 25.5 in thigh. In total: 4 inches lost!

I'm still hovering right above the "normal" BMI range for my height, and really hope I can get down below it this week -- it'd be a real motivator for me!

More later, I'm going to go stretch now!

I was hoping to be down a lot more pounds than I am.

I weighed myself this morning wearing only my bra and underwear. The Wii Fit program has me logged at 185 pounds.

Really? UGH. I really wanted to be down atleast ten or fifteen pounds by now. Though, with the way I eat is that really realistic?

Probably not. I haven't stuck to my diet as well as I should. I go over my calorie budget atleast once, if not twice or more times per week. I don't eat nearly enough fruits or vegetables and I probably should cut out a lot more of the refined sugars that I consume DAILY.

A couple days ago I really got into the mindset though because I read an article that said if a new mom doesn't lose her baby weight by the six-months mark, she'll be much more likely to still be overweight when her baby turns ten years old.

I don't want to be overweight for ten years! I want to fit into my old jeans! I want the strong, toned muscles I had before and I want my flat tummy back!

I'm going through my iPod right now and looking at the kinds of foods I have eaten in my calorie counter program. There is a lot of crap in here. I really need to get it together and CONSCIOUSLY make my decisions. Every time I bought a Mountain Dew for myself I was putting tons of empty calories into my body. I was using my own money to hinder my weight loss.

I'm going to go through the food list and delete the junk. From here on out I vow to choose whole foods that fill me up and are WORTH something to my body. More fresh fruits and vegetables, only diet soda, juice, milk and water to drink. I will eat enough at each meal that I won't feel hungry at midnight because that is when I give in to the fast food cravings.

I WILL lose this weight. I will.