First I would like to say that I saw on my scale this morning a new low weight of 166.4! I haven’t seen that number since my break-up with my son’s father Matt, nearly five years ago. Before that, this blog has me reaching that weight in June of 2011. Before that, I hit the 160s as a new HIGH weight likely in the fall before I became pregnant, at the end of 2008. So I’ve officially yo-yoed this weight for the third time.
I would love to make the assertion that THIS time is different, and I will NEVER go back. But I now know that’s a touch naive. I cannot see the future and what it will bring for me. What I do know is that I have figured out a lot of my emotional attachment to food and how easy it is to fall back on the old habits of using food as a way to numb the discomfort of life.
William and I moved to a new house at the beginning of this year and it has been fantastic taking on the role as the woman of the house. I’ve pushed myself to create the space I want to love in, with a clean kitchen, clean bathrooms, mopped and vacuumed floors and clothes that are folded promptly after they are washed and dried. At the start of the year I made a commitment to a daily yoga practice. During that time I noticed many positive changed in my mental and physical well-being. I’m sorry to say around mid-March it became harder and harder to hold onto that goal. And I have slowed down on the weight loss dramatically.
I work more than I ever have and I’m considering trading my multiple jobs for one full-time position. I have been staying up too late and not drinking enough water. But I HAVEN'T gained any of the weight back. I’ve been sitting at or just under 170 for several months. This I consider a huge accomplishment, because I’m the past if I stopped logging my calories or took on a more stressful schedule I would shoot up in weight. I’m still not restricting, still not white-knuckling and still able to enjoy all the foods I love eating.
My biggest issue is the mental resistance to losing further. This weight is associated with some pretty significant times in my life. I found myself wondering if the IUD I use as birth control is contributing to this “plateau” or if it’s just my body’s “happy place” with the amount of food and liquid calories I consume weekly.
I gave up soda completely for 5 weeks starting the first weekend in April. I’m incredibly proud of that accomplishment. Now, I stop and consider if I truly want the sugary beverage before I consume it. Most of the time I choose a different refreshment. I love tea in the evenings. I’ve cut back my alcohol consumption to only on the evenings when I don’t work the next day. These two small changes helped push my weight down to 166, and I feel better for it.
I’ve also been working on my sexual health. I signed up for Finishing School, an online course offered by a sex therapist. I went through a lot of the exercises and examined my beliefs about pleasure, orgasm, intimacy, etc. a lot of my fears that have kept me faking my pleasure have stemmed from the fear of abandonment. I am truly terrified that, if Will blew the extent of my struggles, he would no longer want me. I am working on getting to the point where, I don’t CARE if he leaves me over this. Would I want someone who would have so little regard for my happiness and so much ego dependent on his perception of me being a perfect sexual toy for his pleasure? I want my answer to be NO.
I know my biggest struggle now is with communication. I find it so hard to say what I want, what I need, how I feel, etc. I use humor and/or mild annoyance verging on anger to shield myself if I find I am forced to speak a boundary or make a request of William. That is unhealthy at best and a recipe for disaster at worst. I will be working on this aspect of my life next.
Wednesday, June 19, 2019
Wednesday, November 28, 2018
Dealing With the Emotional Attachment to Food
I've lost about 12 pounds since the first of October. I haven't had to white-knuckle, I've been eating more intuitively and trying to fit exercise in when I can. This is such a different way of going about weight-loss.
We went on a cruise to Mexico the last weekend in September. As I sat on a beach in California waiting for our flight home, I read a book about figuring out your emotional attachment to food and what is keeping you eating when you're not hungry and your body doesn't need the calories. The book describes a technique called EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) which involves tapping on pressure points on your face and chest as you move through the strong feelings. Somehow, the tapping retrains your brain to not turn to food or other habits as a way to numb these hard emotions.
I sat and thought about my own issues with weight gain, which started when I was 18. Emotional eaters tend to start in childhood with bingeing or general overeating but I was a normal, healthy weight all the way through puberty. I had a normal relationship with food. A sweet tooth, sure, but I rarely stuffed myself or snacked. My mom made sure we had food so I never felt scarcity or food insecurity.
What I realized on that beach was my overeating started right around the time I started dating my son's father. He was a big guy back then, eating large amounts of food like he used to when he was in high school and playing basketball for several hours each day. Though he was no longer that active, his eating habits continued and he gained almost a hundred pounds. We would go to fast food restaurants as dates, Taco Bell for lunch, Jack in the Box milkshakes after picking me up from work. Carl's Jr, Taco Time, KFC, etc. He would take me to get whatever I wanted.There was a new-found freedom there and food represented bonding. I felt close to him when he bought me food, and he was more than happy to buy large quantities for us to consume together.
But those habits didn't really get started until after we had been dating for several months, and I realized it really took off after we began a sexual relationship. This is the point on the beach where everything started rushing in and I couldn't help but feel tears welling up. There is so much shame wrapped up in this that I have waited until after speaking through everything with a therapist to type it all out. Even so, with no one reading this blog, I feel terrified to put it in writing. But healing requires I move through this, and I'm more afraid of things staying the same.
Sex has not come naturally to me. For all his faults, I really was lucky to find a patient and understanding partner in my son's father. I had never even kissed a boy before him. I had originally decided I might wait until marriage for sex, but my teenage hormones mixed with the excitement of new love had me ready much earlier than that. I did wait until I was 18, that felt important to me and Matt respected that decision. But until the actual day we did a lot of experimenting, as teens do. All of my experience with sex had come from media and porn. I got very curious about porn around age 16 and consumed quite a bit. Of course, I didn't realize at that age that porn is not a representation of real life. In porn, women are mainly objects for a man's pleasure - also the women are spontaneously aroused, easily orgasmic and multi-orgasmic. I believe I internalized a lot of this and it translated into my real-life experiences. I was not prepared for real life, where I take a while to warm up, I have sensitive "brakes" that halt the process, and I have a noisy brain that cares more about how my partner is perceiving my performance and cannot seem to just let go and enjoy the process.
This led to the first time I faked an orgasm. And when Matt thought that I had reached that level of pleasure he was SO happy. It bonded us closer, but it was hollow for me. I felt broken, like something was wrong with me because I didn't fit the checklist of the sexually desirable women found in porn.
This went on for over 6 years. I felt trapped in the lie, I felt I couldn't get myself out of the hole I had dug. All I knew was the shovel I used to dig it. In those first few months I knew something was off - I also knew it made him so happy so I continued. But I wasn't getting my pleasure, I wasn't getting what I wanted or expected from sex.
There's a theme my therapist has pointed out in my life and that's my feeling of paralysis at asking for what I want. It's as if I feel making requests of others will be met with conflict, disappointment or outright denial. I have attributed this to my mom -- she had a rule when we were out shopping that if we asked for something, even if she had intended to buy it, the answer would be no. I clung to this rule and it spilled over into other aspects of my childhood. I was never the squeaky wheel. If my needs weren't met I stuffed it down and lived without it. I figured if I was deemed "worthy" or "deserving", it would be provided to me. I thought that if I spoke up, I was no longer deserving. So it became a way to be "good" and win mom's approval.
What I struggle with now is this question: Was my personality shaped by that rule or did that rule give my natural personality guidelines it could latch onto? I have been really examining that question and I continue to go back and forth. One thing is clear, whether it was nature or nurture the consequences have truly held me back in a lot of areas of my life.
So there I was, sitting in the cool sand in the shade of a giant pier, in my body that has carried extra weight since those early days of my adulthood. And I recalled a conversation Matt and I shared in his van in the college parking lot probably 4 months after we had become sexually active. He wanted to know why we weren't having as much sex now as the beginning. I remember thinking that it was a lot of effort on my part with little reward. I was rarely to never reaching climax. It just didn't feel worth it. But I couldn't find it in me to tell him that. I just looked into my lap, noticed my jeans, which had been fitting tighter, and mumbled that I had gained some weight and didn't feel comfortable in my body or being naked with him.
WOW did this memory blow me away. I had tried to use the little extra weight on my body as a shield, as an excuse to not be sexually close to my boyfriend. So I've been eating too much consistently because it was a pleasurable way to bond and feel close to and feel taken care of by Matt. And the extra weight was my way of forming a barrier against being physically close so I didn't have to pretend to be enjoying myself when in fact I was frustrated and resentful.
I felt sobs catch in my throat as I came to terms with the fact that it was all my own doing. My own fear of rejection, my inability to speak up about my own wants and needs and trust that my partner wanted for me what I wanted for myself. It was that rule coming back to haunt me - if you ask the answer will be no. I wanted those who cared for me to prove it by anticipating my needs with perfect accuracy, but if they couldn't do that I learned to live without it. But this was such a huge thing to live without, my sexual health was suffering and I was using food to replace what I felt was missing. I was using food to placate the hurt and resentment. I was attempting to withdraw, and potentially using food as punishment.
And as tears fell down my face I saw myself now, and how much shit I had gone through since that seemingly innocent conversation. Matt assured me that the extra ten pounds did not deter him, he still found me sexy as hell. I found my worth in being a sexual pleasure object for him, not realizing that I am worthy JUST AS I AM. When our relationship was starting to dissolve 6 years later, I thought it was because I had been giving him only enough sex to keep him placated -- most nights I pushed him away. (I'd like to qualify all this and say I HAVE had REAL orgasms during sex and I was a healthy masturbator as well. So it wasn't all terrible.) I thought if I told him the truth and healed my dysfunction our relationship would improve. I was wrong. He cried so hard that night I told him the truth- I was faking 95+% of the orgasms he thought I was having, and I certainly was not able to orgasm more than 1-2 times per session (I had been faking multiples, up to 10 or more per hour).
It took at least a week for us to try anything sexual. I felt free but also very raw and vulnerable. I didn't know how to fix it, but I was willing to try. A moment that stands out in my mind was him saying something to the effect of "wow you're still not close?" as we were trying doggy style with me massaging my clitoris. Those words and exasperated tone were cutting. I realize now after some research into female sexuality that his frustration increased my frustration and the apparent unmet expectation of a quick orgasm really put my sensitive brake on. Instead of enjoying the sensations and playing and touching and experimenting, he had made it clear that he found me and my body lacking in some way. Even if his intentions were not to this effect, the message I got at that moment was his pleasure was dependent on me stroking his ego with an orgasm.
Our relationship continued to decline until he finally broke up with me and began dating another woman almost right away. We lived together and continued to sleep in the same basement for several months. We slept together twice after the break-up and if I hadn't realized how he was manipulating me in my vulnerable state, I'm not sure how long a casual sexual relationship would have continued.
I did tell my current boyfriend, Will, about my theatrics in the bedroom pretty early on into our relationship. He only said "please don't be that way with me". And he has always been open to whatever I need to be sexually satisfied. But even from the very beginning I still struggle with faking orgasms. Though I'm nowhere near the 10+ orgasms in the marathon sessions with Matt, the rate of me achieving orgasm is probably around 10-20% of his orgasms.
So I'm still not experiencing a healthy sexual relationship, and I've been sexually active for over 10 years. The longest I've gone without intercourse is 6 weeks after the birth of my son back in 2009. I have plenty of opportunity to practice, I just get very high anxiety about asking for what I need.
As I cried on the beach, both Will and my best friend Maddie noticed and came up to me to be supportive. I cried again later that night as we ate dinner in the airport. I bought my own little snack plate and bottle of water instead of eating the cheesy pizza or the greasy nachos they purchased. I didn't gobble down the cookies they passed out during the flight. I asked for tea instead of soda. I felt so different in that the worries and stress about food choices didn't bring about an emotional response - it was just food. And I was able to see how the decisions I made with each food option would influence my health and my weight.
So this is where I am now. I'm fixing my relationship with food - no longer using it to fill a hole that sexual pleasure should fill. No longer wrapping my weight around me like a cocoon or a shield. I've started to open up to Will slowly about my troubles. He has always maintained that it's up to me. If I'm not getting what I need I have only myself to blame. And he's absolutely right, as he usually is.
Maddie has also researched the EFT method and has begun tapping away her own issues regarding food. She initially saw my change in habits as a threat I think -- she ended up confiding in me that the book wasn't giving her the same epiphany I had and she was afraid of being left behind. So we just talked for several hours about our families and how food and weight played a role there. She's doing better but I think there is a lot there to unpack.
The biggest change is now I don't spend my evenings and weekends absentmindedly snacking. If I'm slightly hungry at bedtime I don't freak out. If I really crave something I will have a small serving or I will wait until my next meal. Food is just NOT a big deal like it was. If I feel myself slip into that mindset I get curious about it, looking for the WHY behind the emotion. Then I tap away the attachment. As I stay the course, I will reach my goal weight around April next year.
We went on a cruise to Mexico the last weekend in September. As I sat on a beach in California waiting for our flight home, I read a book about figuring out your emotional attachment to food and what is keeping you eating when you're not hungry and your body doesn't need the calories. The book describes a technique called EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) which involves tapping on pressure points on your face and chest as you move through the strong feelings. Somehow, the tapping retrains your brain to not turn to food or other habits as a way to numb these hard emotions.
I sat and thought about my own issues with weight gain, which started when I was 18. Emotional eaters tend to start in childhood with bingeing or general overeating but I was a normal, healthy weight all the way through puberty. I had a normal relationship with food. A sweet tooth, sure, but I rarely stuffed myself or snacked. My mom made sure we had food so I never felt scarcity or food insecurity.
What I realized on that beach was my overeating started right around the time I started dating my son's father. He was a big guy back then, eating large amounts of food like he used to when he was in high school and playing basketball for several hours each day. Though he was no longer that active, his eating habits continued and he gained almost a hundred pounds. We would go to fast food restaurants as dates, Taco Bell for lunch, Jack in the Box milkshakes after picking me up from work. Carl's Jr, Taco Time, KFC, etc. He would take me to get whatever I wanted.There was a new-found freedom there and food represented bonding. I felt close to him when he bought me food, and he was more than happy to buy large quantities for us to consume together.
But those habits didn't really get started until after we had been dating for several months, and I realized it really took off after we began a sexual relationship. This is the point on the beach where everything started rushing in and I couldn't help but feel tears welling up. There is so much shame wrapped up in this that I have waited until after speaking through everything with a therapist to type it all out. Even so, with no one reading this blog, I feel terrified to put it in writing. But healing requires I move through this, and I'm more afraid of things staying the same.
Sex has not come naturally to me. For all his faults, I really was lucky to find a patient and understanding partner in my son's father. I had never even kissed a boy before him. I had originally decided I might wait until marriage for sex, but my teenage hormones mixed with the excitement of new love had me ready much earlier than that. I did wait until I was 18, that felt important to me and Matt respected that decision. But until the actual day we did a lot of experimenting, as teens do. All of my experience with sex had come from media and porn. I got very curious about porn around age 16 and consumed quite a bit. Of course, I didn't realize at that age that porn is not a representation of real life. In porn, women are mainly objects for a man's pleasure - also the women are spontaneously aroused, easily orgasmic and multi-orgasmic. I believe I internalized a lot of this and it translated into my real-life experiences. I was not prepared for real life, where I take a while to warm up, I have sensitive "brakes" that halt the process, and I have a noisy brain that cares more about how my partner is perceiving my performance and cannot seem to just let go and enjoy the process.
This led to the first time I faked an orgasm. And when Matt thought that I had reached that level of pleasure he was SO happy. It bonded us closer, but it was hollow for me. I felt broken, like something was wrong with me because I didn't fit the checklist of the sexually desirable women found in porn.
This went on for over 6 years. I felt trapped in the lie, I felt I couldn't get myself out of the hole I had dug. All I knew was the shovel I used to dig it. In those first few months I knew something was off - I also knew it made him so happy so I continued. But I wasn't getting my pleasure, I wasn't getting what I wanted or expected from sex.
There's a theme my therapist has pointed out in my life and that's my feeling of paralysis at asking for what I want. It's as if I feel making requests of others will be met with conflict, disappointment or outright denial. I have attributed this to my mom -- she had a rule when we were out shopping that if we asked for something, even if she had intended to buy it, the answer would be no. I clung to this rule and it spilled over into other aspects of my childhood. I was never the squeaky wheel. If my needs weren't met I stuffed it down and lived without it. I figured if I was deemed "worthy" or "deserving", it would be provided to me. I thought that if I spoke up, I was no longer deserving. So it became a way to be "good" and win mom's approval.
What I struggle with now is this question: Was my personality shaped by that rule or did that rule give my natural personality guidelines it could latch onto? I have been really examining that question and I continue to go back and forth. One thing is clear, whether it was nature or nurture the consequences have truly held me back in a lot of areas of my life.
So there I was, sitting in the cool sand in the shade of a giant pier, in my body that has carried extra weight since those early days of my adulthood. And I recalled a conversation Matt and I shared in his van in the college parking lot probably 4 months after we had become sexually active. He wanted to know why we weren't having as much sex now as the beginning. I remember thinking that it was a lot of effort on my part with little reward. I was rarely to never reaching climax. It just didn't feel worth it. But I couldn't find it in me to tell him that. I just looked into my lap, noticed my jeans, which had been fitting tighter, and mumbled that I had gained some weight and didn't feel comfortable in my body or being naked with him.
WOW did this memory blow me away. I had tried to use the little extra weight on my body as a shield, as an excuse to not be sexually close to my boyfriend. So I've been eating too much consistently because it was a pleasurable way to bond and feel close to and feel taken care of by Matt. And the extra weight was my way of forming a barrier against being physically close so I didn't have to pretend to be enjoying myself when in fact I was frustrated and resentful.
I felt sobs catch in my throat as I came to terms with the fact that it was all my own doing. My own fear of rejection, my inability to speak up about my own wants and needs and trust that my partner wanted for me what I wanted for myself. It was that rule coming back to haunt me - if you ask the answer will be no. I wanted those who cared for me to prove it by anticipating my needs with perfect accuracy, but if they couldn't do that I learned to live without it. But this was such a huge thing to live without, my sexual health was suffering and I was using food to replace what I felt was missing. I was using food to placate the hurt and resentment. I was attempting to withdraw, and potentially using food as punishment.
And as tears fell down my face I saw myself now, and how much shit I had gone through since that seemingly innocent conversation. Matt assured me that the extra ten pounds did not deter him, he still found me sexy as hell. I found my worth in being a sexual pleasure object for him, not realizing that I am worthy JUST AS I AM. When our relationship was starting to dissolve 6 years later, I thought it was because I had been giving him only enough sex to keep him placated -- most nights I pushed him away. (I'd like to qualify all this and say I HAVE had REAL orgasms during sex and I was a healthy masturbator as well. So it wasn't all terrible.) I thought if I told him the truth and healed my dysfunction our relationship would improve. I was wrong. He cried so hard that night I told him the truth- I was faking 95+% of the orgasms he thought I was having, and I certainly was not able to orgasm more than 1-2 times per session (I had been faking multiples, up to 10 or more per hour).
It took at least a week for us to try anything sexual. I felt free but also very raw and vulnerable. I didn't know how to fix it, but I was willing to try. A moment that stands out in my mind was him saying something to the effect of "wow you're still not close?" as we were trying doggy style with me massaging my clitoris. Those words and exasperated tone were cutting. I realize now after some research into female sexuality that his frustration increased my frustration and the apparent unmet expectation of a quick orgasm really put my sensitive brake on. Instead of enjoying the sensations and playing and touching and experimenting, he had made it clear that he found me and my body lacking in some way. Even if his intentions were not to this effect, the message I got at that moment was his pleasure was dependent on me stroking his ego with an orgasm.
Our relationship continued to decline until he finally broke up with me and began dating another woman almost right away. We lived together and continued to sleep in the same basement for several months. We slept together twice after the break-up and if I hadn't realized how he was manipulating me in my vulnerable state, I'm not sure how long a casual sexual relationship would have continued.
I did tell my current boyfriend, Will, about my theatrics in the bedroom pretty early on into our relationship. He only said "please don't be that way with me". And he has always been open to whatever I need to be sexually satisfied. But even from the very beginning I still struggle with faking orgasms. Though I'm nowhere near the 10+ orgasms in the marathon sessions with Matt, the rate of me achieving orgasm is probably around 10-20% of his orgasms.
So I'm still not experiencing a healthy sexual relationship, and I've been sexually active for over 10 years. The longest I've gone without intercourse is 6 weeks after the birth of my son back in 2009. I have plenty of opportunity to practice, I just get very high anxiety about asking for what I need.
As I cried on the beach, both Will and my best friend Maddie noticed and came up to me to be supportive. I cried again later that night as we ate dinner in the airport. I bought my own little snack plate and bottle of water instead of eating the cheesy pizza or the greasy nachos they purchased. I didn't gobble down the cookies they passed out during the flight. I asked for tea instead of soda. I felt so different in that the worries and stress about food choices didn't bring about an emotional response - it was just food. And I was able to see how the decisions I made with each food option would influence my health and my weight.
So this is where I am now. I'm fixing my relationship with food - no longer using it to fill a hole that sexual pleasure should fill. No longer wrapping my weight around me like a cocoon or a shield. I've started to open up to Will slowly about my troubles. He has always maintained that it's up to me. If I'm not getting what I need I have only myself to blame. And he's absolutely right, as he usually is.
Maddie has also researched the EFT method and has begun tapping away her own issues regarding food. She initially saw my change in habits as a threat I think -- she ended up confiding in me that the book wasn't giving her the same epiphany I had and she was afraid of being left behind. So we just talked for several hours about our families and how food and weight played a role there. She's doing better but I think there is a lot there to unpack.
The biggest change is now I don't spend my evenings and weekends absentmindedly snacking. If I'm slightly hungry at bedtime I don't freak out. If I really crave something I will have a small serving or I will wait until my next meal. Food is just NOT a big deal like it was. If I feel myself slip into that mindset I get curious about it, looking for the WHY behind the emotion. Then I tap away the attachment. As I stay the course, I will reach my goal weight around April next year.
Sunday, August 19, 2018
Making New Habits and Breaking Old
The secrets to success are found in your daily routine. This is because nothing will change until you decide to change it. Most things take time to achieve, so the small steps taken every day will determine how quickly you will get there.
If you consistently eat a few more calories than you expend, you will gain weight over the weeks and months (and years!). But if you consistently eat fewer calories than you burn, over the weeks and months your body will burn its fat stores and you will lose weight.
If you want to save your muscle fibers, use them daily or see them waste away. If you want to write a novel, spend time each day working on it. If you want to learn a new language, practice daily. And the list goes on.
So when I say to myself I want to lose weight and improve my health, but I do not eat fresh foods, drink water, exercise or track my calories, I am showing myself and others that I do not ACTUALLY wish to lose weight. I wish to remain sedentary and eat snacks and read about other people's successes wistfully. This is what happens every single day - my motivation to change is not as great as my motivation to stay the same. The habits I have set in place are very strong and deviating from that routine feels wrong even if it means I am self-sabotaging my goals.
What I would like to do is manage my household well, manage my health well, and develop a routine that can carry over to my working years. I need solid morning and afternoon habits that happen automatically in order to keep everything running smoothly, and I need productive weekends where meals are planned/prepped, cleaning is accomplished, etc.
Saying this is all well and good. Doing this is another matter. Habits are literal neural pathways in the brain, creating a loop of cue-routine-reward, so altering habits is tough and eliminating them is darn near impossible. Having a clear goal in mind and visualizing the process of getting there is a great way to start. And working first on "keystone habits" can help other good habits fall into place. Two such keystone habits are keeping a food journal and exercising - both of which helped me back in 2011 when I lost thirty pounds, and they are both what I'm working on again.
I recently found myself back up at the weight my body settles at when I'm not paying attention to my daily calories-in/calories-out - 190 lbs. I'm out of excuses for this. I have a good income, I make my own nutritional decisions. I have a fancy gym membership and a car to get me there. I have an entire world of knowledge in the palm of my hand 24 hours per day.
I have read back through this blog and I've noticed one thing I have been missing. I am WILLING to change. I am no longer going to underestimate the daily consistency needed for long-lasting change. I'm no longer going to underestimate how much work it takes to overcome years of ingrained habits.
This weekend I have made a great start. I joined a DietBet on Thursday (starting weight 193.3 with a goal of 4% lost in one month), and I've tracked my calories since then. I did Zumba for the first time in forever today and really enjoyed myself! I managed to limit my intake of sugary cake, cookies and ice cream despite two birthday parties this weekend, but still had fun catching up with family and looking through old photo albums.
I've lost this weight before, and I stopped short of my goal. But this time I'm looking FAR beyond my goal weight. I'm looking 50 years into the future. There is no "end goal". The portion control, daily exercise, adequate water intake does not stop once the scale shows me the number I've been craving to see. If I work slowly and retrain my patterns of behavior the weight will work itself out and I will be overall healthier for it.
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Listening to hunger cues
It should be so easy... to eat only when you feel hungry and stop once you're satiated. This idea of listening to one's body, one's own hunger cues, and using them to guide the amount of food we consume, is not a new one. Babies eat this way. Toddlers eat this way. My own son eats this way.
If you're like me, somewhere along this life you became fearful of hunger, and do your very best to avoid it. This makes dieting very hard, because even the slightest growl of my stomach would send me anxiously to the kitchen. To keep that feeling of hunger away, I would stuff myself at meal times and graze in between.
Combine this habit with the feeling of happiness and comfort I get when I eat, make me an emotional eater. Many emotional eaters are also binge eaters -- stuffing themselves with enormous amounts of food eaten at a furious pace -- but I have rarely ever truly binged.
I am unable, however, to leave food on my plate at meal times unless the food is not to my taste. And I will go back for seconds even after reaching fullness if the food is particularly tasty.
The following are what I have been doing to rewire my brain and become more intuitive when it comes to food.
This hasn't been easy. And last night, after a day spent listening to a book about ending emotional eating, I ate too much cookie dough and cookies despite a complete lack of hunger. This was after I saw a sold 192 on the scale that morning - one whole pound down in one week! I could not weigh myself this morning because the batteries are low, but once more are purchased I will update.
The process is more important than the end point, because the only true end point in life is death. Morbid, but true. I hope that day is a long, LONG way off, so I will continue to improve my health as best I can. More later.
If you're like me, somewhere along this life you became fearful of hunger, and do your very best to avoid it. This makes dieting very hard, because even the slightest growl of my stomach would send me anxiously to the kitchen. To keep that feeling of hunger away, I would stuff myself at meal times and graze in between.
Combine this habit with the feeling of happiness and comfort I get when I eat, make me an emotional eater. Many emotional eaters are also binge eaters -- stuffing themselves with enormous amounts of food eaten at a furious pace -- but I have rarely ever truly binged.
I am unable, however, to leave food on my plate at meal times unless the food is not to my taste. And I will go back for seconds even after reaching fullness if the food is particularly tasty.
The following are what I have been doing to rewire my brain and become more intuitive when it comes to food.
- I wait until I feel hungry to make myself breakfast, and because many times I don't feel hungry in the morning, my first meal ends up being around lunch time.
- I make myself small portions, for example I will make one egg on one piece of toast instead of a two-egg sandwich because I have found that this is usually enough to curb my hunger without the need for doubled calories.
- I try to drink water with my meals, and slow down my eating.
- I try to focus on my food instead of mindlessly multi-tasking. I keep most irresistible (to me) snacks out of the house altogether.
- To avoid taking unneeded seconds I have been making only enough dinner for one plate per person.
- I drink tea after dinner to up my water intake and avoid snacking.
This hasn't been easy. And last night, after a day spent listening to a book about ending emotional eating, I ate too much cookie dough and cookies despite a complete lack of hunger. This was after I saw a sold 192 on the scale that morning - one whole pound down in one week! I could not weigh myself this morning because the batteries are low, but once more are purchased I will update.
The process is more important than the end point, because the only true end point in life is death. Morbid, but true. I hope that day is a long, LONG way off, so I will continue to improve my health as best I can. More later.
Friday, August 5, 2016
Emotional Eating
After working out and tracking my calories for four straight days, I expected to see movement on the scale this morning, but no such luck. It was up a little bit to 193.6.
No matter. I have committed to getting my habits under control, and I trust my weight will take care of itself.
Today I have taken an interest in the topic of emotional eating. I have done a little research and realized this may be the root of my weight issues.
I was thin until my first few months at University, after which I became pregnant. I was depressed being away from family, being away from my then boyfriend, not having any money, and not doing well in my classes. Every morning (IF I got up that morning...) I would go to the convenience store in my dorm and buy a big pastry and chocolate milk to wash it down. I would take a soda with me to class. At lunch I would eat a large sub sandwich or piece of pizza, with chips and soda to go with it. For dinner I would go to the salad bar and load up, or I would get a burger, or I would go back to the convenience store and get a cheesy panini, which I would eat with a large jug of juice, chips with ranch dip, and candy.. candy.. candy. I had a stash of snacks to eat as I sat at my desk until 2 or 3 AM.
I ate all of this regardless of how hungry I was. I don't recall every actually being hungry.
But it made me feel better to sit alone in my dorm room and fend off any emotional pain by keeping myself preoccupied with the internet and tasty treats. This had never been an issue for me as a child - I never used food as a way to heal myself from negative feelings. But during this time my brain rewired itself and sought out food as a comfort item.
One good thing from that time is that I also went to the gym a few times per week to lift weights, swim, and sit in the sauna. I wish I had used this outlet more often, because it was a healthier way of coping with my emotions.
Looking forward, I know I must examine my relationship with food because every time my life became stressful or chaotic, I used it to comfort myself. I tend to find weight loss success during calm times in my life, but then I will quickly gain it all back once times get a little tough. I must get control of this habit, because life will always have good times and bad. I cannot continue the cycle of being a "fair weather" success story, where I can only reach my goals during sunny days and can't cope when the thunderstorms hit hard.
I think it was a good first step to realize how my relationship with food has affected me since that depression when I was 18. Moving forward, I hope to gain tools to use to identify emotional eating (stomach hunger vs. heart hunger), and to find alternative ways to deal with stress, anger, fear, etc.
I have to go. I will return with more insights.
No matter. I have committed to getting my habits under control, and I trust my weight will take care of itself.
Today I have taken an interest in the topic of emotional eating. I have done a little research and realized this may be the root of my weight issues.
I was thin until my first few months at University, after which I became pregnant. I was depressed being away from family, being away from my then boyfriend, not having any money, and not doing well in my classes. Every morning (IF I got up that morning...) I would go to the convenience store in my dorm and buy a big pastry and chocolate milk to wash it down. I would take a soda with me to class. At lunch I would eat a large sub sandwich or piece of pizza, with chips and soda to go with it. For dinner I would go to the salad bar and load up, or I would get a burger, or I would go back to the convenience store and get a cheesy panini, which I would eat with a large jug of juice, chips with ranch dip, and candy.. candy.. candy. I had a stash of snacks to eat as I sat at my desk until 2 or 3 AM.
I ate all of this regardless of how hungry I was. I don't recall every actually being hungry.
But it made me feel better to sit alone in my dorm room and fend off any emotional pain by keeping myself preoccupied with the internet and tasty treats. This had never been an issue for me as a child - I never used food as a way to heal myself from negative feelings. But during this time my brain rewired itself and sought out food as a comfort item.
One good thing from that time is that I also went to the gym a few times per week to lift weights, swim, and sit in the sauna. I wish I had used this outlet more often, because it was a healthier way of coping with my emotions.
Looking forward, I know I must examine my relationship with food because every time my life became stressful or chaotic, I used it to comfort myself. I tend to find weight loss success during calm times in my life, but then I will quickly gain it all back once times get a little tough. I must get control of this habit, because life will always have good times and bad. I cannot continue the cycle of being a "fair weather" success story, where I can only reach my goals during sunny days and can't cope when the thunderstorms hit hard.
I think it was a good first step to realize how my relationship with food has affected me since that depression when I was 18. Moving forward, I hope to gain tools to use to identify emotional eating (stomach hunger vs. heart hunger), and to find alternative ways to deal with stress, anger, fear, etc.
I have to go. I will return with more insights.
Thursday, August 4, 2016
It's an odd thing to read through past blog posts...
I've read through everything, every eye-opening, heart-breaking post, every triumphant, goal-smashing post, and everything in between. It's been 5 years since I lost all the baby weight. These 5 years have been the epitome of "life" -- ups and downs (including two new worst days of my entire life), heartbreak and new love, hard work and pay off, and weight loss and weight gain.
To quickly summarize: I paid off my past student loan in 2013, decided to go back to school, applied and got in to Clark's Dental Hygiene Program, started the program in 2014, was unceremoniously dumped by Matt the first week of school, lost 20 pounds in three weeks, met William in October 2014, got my driver's license in April 2015 and bought a car in August, lost the custody battle for my son later that month, saw him off to his first day of kindergarten in September, moved into an apartment with William later that month, discovered I had gained thirty pounds by December 2015, saw 200 on the scale for the first time since pregnancy in May 2016, graduated as a dental hygienist in June 2016, moved to a house in the gorge with William in July 2016, received my RDH license that same month, and I've applied to jobs and have gone to a couple interviews, and that brings me to today.
Wow. I wish I hadn't stopped posting to this blog because I love reading about my feelings as life happens. I was writing in a journal fairly regularly but that laptop was stolen last year and I lost all of it.
Today I weigh 192.9 pounds. That's exactly the same weight as my very first post to this blog, which I made on January 11, 2010. Over 6 years of ups and downs, with almost nothing to show for it.
I say "almost" because I have learned a lot about myself, I have matured quite a bit, and my reasons for weight loss are more well-rounded than they were when I was younger.
I'm not sure if I ever had a "reason" for weight loss other than vanity, and perhaps being stronger. After a very stressful two years in the hygiene program, working harder than I ever have in my life, I've come out on the other side knowing I can accomplish ANYTHING I set my mind to. My main concern for myself at this weight are all the health risks. I am hyper aware of my own mortality and it scares me to think my last days could be spent in agony because I didn't take care of myself in my younger years. The main illnesses I want to avoid are diabetes, heart disease, and cancer. All three can be prevented with a proper diet and regular cardiovascular exercise.
So I have set a pretty lofty goal for myself: to be 150 pounds by the time I turn 27. But more importantly than the goal is the daily effort and perseverance it will take to reach it. THAT is my focus now - gaining momentum and keeping a chain of effort going. Because if I've learned anything about myself it's that I am excellent at sitting sedentary, wishing for success to be handed to me. Rereading this blog reminded me that I took matters into my own hands once, and saw amazing results. This is the long game now - the fifty-year plan that will keep me mobile and happy until I am elderly.
Some bonuses to this fifty-year plan would be a more attractive physique, but it's not my focus anymore. Blood-sugar levels, cholesterol, blood pressure, etc. are my concerns. I've seen people who are 60, hunched and on dozens of medications due to years of self-neglect and I compare them to those who are 80, still able to pursuit their interests because they remained active and had the self-control to maintain their health.
The main tool is motivation, which will require a conscious effort until momentum kicks in. For me, downward movement on the scale is huge motivation. To reach my goal of 150 by my birthday, I will need to lose 43 pounds in 25 weeks. That's 1.72 pounds per week, which is in the healthy range for weight loss. I think focusing on the PROCESS of losing weight: the overhaul of the diet, the daily exercise, the increased water consumption, etc. is more important than focusing on the actual goal of seeing 150 on the scale, because sustaining these daily choices are more important than the number, in terms of health. Form good daily habits, and the weight will take care of itself.
My main problem that resulted in weight loss, every single time, was a lack of accountability and denial about the amount of food I ate compared to the amount of energy I expended. So I'm back to tracking calories, and I'm back to doing daily Zumba. These two things were what helped me to lose nearly 30 pounds in six months, it can help me again.
I plan to pick up the online journal again, as that was another tool that seemed to work. More soon.
To quickly summarize: I paid off my past student loan in 2013, decided to go back to school, applied and got in to Clark's Dental Hygiene Program, started the program in 2014, was unceremoniously dumped by Matt the first week of school, lost 20 pounds in three weeks, met William in October 2014, got my driver's license in April 2015 and bought a car in August, lost the custody battle for my son later that month, saw him off to his first day of kindergarten in September, moved into an apartment with William later that month, discovered I had gained thirty pounds by December 2015, saw 200 on the scale for the first time since pregnancy in May 2016, graduated as a dental hygienist in June 2016, moved to a house in the gorge with William in July 2016, received my RDH license that same month, and I've applied to jobs and have gone to a couple interviews, and that brings me to today.
Wow. I wish I hadn't stopped posting to this blog because I love reading about my feelings as life happens. I was writing in a journal fairly regularly but that laptop was stolen last year and I lost all of it.
Today I weigh 192.9 pounds. That's exactly the same weight as my very first post to this blog, which I made on January 11, 2010. Over 6 years of ups and downs, with almost nothing to show for it.
I say "almost" because I have learned a lot about myself, I have matured quite a bit, and my reasons for weight loss are more well-rounded than they were when I was younger.
I'm not sure if I ever had a "reason" for weight loss other than vanity, and perhaps being stronger. After a very stressful two years in the hygiene program, working harder than I ever have in my life, I've come out on the other side knowing I can accomplish ANYTHING I set my mind to. My main concern for myself at this weight are all the health risks. I am hyper aware of my own mortality and it scares me to think my last days could be spent in agony because I didn't take care of myself in my younger years. The main illnesses I want to avoid are diabetes, heart disease, and cancer. All three can be prevented with a proper diet and regular cardiovascular exercise.
So I have set a pretty lofty goal for myself: to be 150 pounds by the time I turn 27. But more importantly than the goal is the daily effort and perseverance it will take to reach it. THAT is my focus now - gaining momentum and keeping a chain of effort going. Because if I've learned anything about myself it's that I am excellent at sitting sedentary, wishing for success to be handed to me. Rereading this blog reminded me that I took matters into my own hands once, and saw amazing results. This is the long game now - the fifty-year plan that will keep me mobile and happy until I am elderly.
Some bonuses to this fifty-year plan would be a more attractive physique, but it's not my focus anymore. Blood-sugar levels, cholesterol, blood pressure, etc. are my concerns. I've seen people who are 60, hunched and on dozens of medications due to years of self-neglect and I compare them to those who are 80, still able to pursuit their interests because they remained active and had the self-control to maintain their health.
The main tool is motivation, which will require a conscious effort until momentum kicks in. For me, downward movement on the scale is huge motivation. To reach my goal of 150 by my birthday, I will need to lose 43 pounds in 25 weeks. That's 1.72 pounds per week, which is in the healthy range for weight loss. I think focusing on the PROCESS of losing weight: the overhaul of the diet, the daily exercise, the increased water consumption, etc. is more important than focusing on the actual goal of seeing 150 on the scale, because sustaining these daily choices are more important than the number, in terms of health. Form good daily habits, and the weight will take care of itself.
My main problem that resulted in weight loss, every single time, was a lack of accountability and denial about the amount of food I ate compared to the amount of energy I expended. So I'm back to tracking calories, and I'm back to doing daily Zumba. These two things were what helped me to lose nearly 30 pounds in six months, it can help me again.
I plan to pick up the online journal again, as that was another tool that seemed to work. More soon.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Overhaul
I stepped on the scale at the doctor's office earlier this week.
I was MORTIFIED to see 185 pop up.
Though, I can't say I wasn't totally surprised. I spend a lot of time on the computer nowadays. I do a lot of crocheting, and reading. I treat myself too often, and I don't keep track of my calorie consumption. I certainly don't get enough exercise either.
But 185??? I had no idea I had crossed back over into the 180s. I remember when I hit 179 last year and vowed never to go back. That was over thirteen months ago. I UNDID an entire year's worth of work. GRRRR. But I think this is a pretty good wake-up call as well. I was getting too complacent, thinking I could ignore my health and have it take care of itself.
Well, no more.
I want to plan out and shop for good meals each week, and plan out my exercises for the week too. And I want to list them here each Saturday to keep myself accountable. Breakfasts are the easiest for me to plan, dinners are the most difficult so I'll just be watching portions and calorie counts. I'd also like to cut my intake of juices, sodas and the biggest one - coffee. I know I'll just crash and burn if I go cold turkey so for the first week here my goal will be one full watter bottle of ice water per day.
Overall Goal: Weight of 145-150 lbs.
Mini-Goal: 180 lbs at the end of April.
April's Goal: Overhaul my health-style.
Breakfasts: 1 serving whole grain, 1 serving protein, 1 piece of fruit, 1 serving dairy.
Coffee: Every OTHER day, use Stevia instead of sugar, 1-2 T creamer.
Lunches: 2 cups of veggies, 1 half-sandwich or 1 cup soup, 1 serving yogurt or almonds.
Snacks: Something small, like a fiber bar, a handful of nuts, one skinny cow ice cream, one glass of milk with essentials.
Dinners: At the discretion of the person who is responsible for cooking. I trust myself to look at what I've eaten so far that day and keep my portions in check with calorie counts.
Desserts: Once-in-a-while desserts are okay.
Water: One full bottle or two large glasses full per day this week.
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