Dealing With the Emotional Attachment to Food

I've lost about 12 pounds since the first of October. I haven't had to white-knuckle, I've been eating more intuitively and trying to fit exercise in when I can. This is such a different way of going about weight-loss.

We went on a cruise to Mexico the last weekend in September. As I sat on a beach in California waiting for our flight home, I read a book about figuring out your emotional attachment to food and what is keeping you eating when you're not hungry and your body doesn't need the calories. The book describes a technique called EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) which involves tapping on pressure points on your face and chest as you move through the strong feelings. Somehow, the tapping retrains your brain to not turn to food or other habits as a way to numb these hard emotions.

I sat and thought about my own issues with weight gain, which started when I was 18. Emotional eaters tend to start in childhood with bingeing or general overeating but I was a normal, healthy weight all the way through puberty. I had a normal relationship with food. A sweet tooth, sure, but I rarely stuffed myself or snacked. My mom made sure we had food so I never felt scarcity or food insecurity.

What I realized on that beach was my overeating started right around the time I started dating my son's father. He was a big guy back then, eating large amounts of food like he used to when he was in high school and playing basketball for several hours each day. Though he was no longer that active, his eating habits continued and he gained almost a hundred pounds. We would go to fast food restaurants as dates, Taco Bell for lunch, Jack in the Box milkshakes after picking me up from work. Carl's Jr, Taco Time, KFC, etc. He would take me to get whatever I wanted.There was a new-found freedom there and food represented bonding. I felt close to him when he bought me food, and he was more than happy to buy large quantities for us to consume together.

But those habits didn't really get started until after we had been dating for several months, and I realized it really took off after we began a sexual relationship. This is the point on the beach where everything started rushing in and I couldn't help but feel tears welling up. There is so much shame wrapped up in this that I have waited until after speaking through everything with a therapist to type it all out. Even so, with no one reading this blog, I feel terrified to put it in writing. But healing requires I move through this, and I'm more afraid of things staying the same.

Sex has not come naturally to me. For all his faults, I really was lucky to find a patient and understanding partner in my son's father. I had never even kissed a boy before him. I had originally decided I might wait until marriage for sex, but my teenage hormones mixed with the excitement of new love had me ready much earlier than that. I did wait until I was 18, that felt important to me and Matt respected that decision. But until the actual day we did a lot of experimenting, as teens do. All of my experience with sex had come from media and porn. I got very curious about porn around age 16 and consumed quite a bit. Of course, I didn't realize at that age that porn is not a representation of real life. In porn, women are mainly objects for a man's pleasure - also the women are spontaneously aroused, easily orgasmic and multi-orgasmic. I believe I internalized a lot of this and it translated into my real-life experiences. I was not prepared for real life, where I take a while to warm up, I have sensitive "brakes" that halt the process, and I have a noisy brain that cares more about how my partner is perceiving my performance and cannot seem to just let go and enjoy the process.

This led to the first time I faked an orgasm. And when Matt thought that I had reached that level of pleasure he was SO happy. It bonded us closer, but it was hollow for me. I felt broken, like something was wrong with me because I didn't fit the checklist of the sexually desirable women found in porn.

This went on for over 6 years. I felt trapped in the lie, I felt I couldn't get myself out of the hole I had dug. All I knew was the shovel I used to dig it. In those first few months I knew something was off - I also knew it made him so happy so I continued. But I wasn't getting my pleasure, I wasn't getting what I wanted or expected from sex.

There's a theme my therapist has pointed out in my life and that's my feeling of paralysis at asking for what I want. It's as if I feel making requests of others will be met with conflict, disappointment or outright denial. I have attributed this to my mom -- she had a rule when we were out shopping that if we asked for something, even if she had intended to buy it, the answer would be no. I clung to this rule and it spilled over into other aspects of my childhood. I was never the squeaky wheel. If my needs weren't met I stuffed it down and lived without it. I figured if I was deemed "worthy" or "deserving", it would be provided to me. I thought that if I spoke up, I was no longer deserving. So it became a way to be "good" and win mom's approval.

What I struggle with now is this question: Was my personality shaped by that rule or did that rule give my natural personality guidelines it could latch onto? I have been really examining that question and I continue to go back and forth. One thing is clear, whether it was nature or nurture the consequences have truly held me back in a lot of areas of my life.

So there I was, sitting in the cool sand in the shade of a giant pier, in my body that has carried extra weight since those early days of my adulthood. And I recalled a conversation Matt and I shared in his van in the college parking lot probably 4 months after we had become sexually active. He wanted to know why we weren't having as much sex now as the beginning. I remember thinking that it was a lot of effort on my part with little reward. I was rarely to never reaching climax. It just didn't feel worth it. But I couldn't find it in me to tell him that. I just looked into my lap, noticed my jeans, which had been fitting tighter, and mumbled that I had gained some weight and didn't feel comfortable in my body or being naked with him.

WOW did this memory blow me away. I had tried to use the little extra weight on my body as a shield, as an excuse to not be sexually close to my boyfriend. So I've been eating too much consistently because it was a pleasurable way to bond and feel close to and feel taken care of by Matt. And the extra weight was my way of forming a barrier against being physically close so I didn't have to pretend to be enjoying myself when in fact I was frustrated and resentful.

I felt sobs catch in my throat as I came to terms with the fact that it was all my own doing. My own fear of rejection, my inability to speak up about my own wants and needs and trust that my partner wanted for me what I wanted for myself. It was that rule coming back to haunt me - if you ask the answer will be no. I wanted those who cared for me to prove it by anticipating my needs with perfect accuracy, but if they couldn't do that I learned to live without it. But this was such a huge thing to live without, my sexual health was suffering and I was using food to replace what I felt was missing. I was using food to placate the hurt and resentment. I was attempting to withdraw, and potentially using food as punishment.

And as tears fell down my face I saw myself now, and how much shit I had gone through since that seemingly innocent conversation. Matt assured me that the extra ten pounds did not deter him, he still found me sexy as hell. I found my worth in being a sexual pleasure object for him, not realizing that I am worthy JUST AS I AM. When our relationship was starting to dissolve 6 years later, I thought it was because I had been giving him only enough sex to keep him placated -- most nights I pushed him away. (I'd like to qualify all this and say I HAVE had REAL orgasms during sex and I was a healthy masturbator as well. So it wasn't all terrible.) I thought if I told him the truth and healed my dysfunction our relationship would improve. I was wrong. He cried so hard that night I told him the truth- I was faking 95+% of the orgasms he thought I was having, and I certainly was not able to orgasm more than 1-2 times per session (I had been faking multiples, up to 10 or more per hour).

It took at least a week for us to try anything sexual. I felt free but also very raw and vulnerable. I didn't know how to fix it, but I was willing to try. A moment that stands out in my mind was him saying something to the effect of "wow you're still not close?" as we were trying doggy style with me massaging my clitoris. Those words and exasperated tone were cutting. I realize now after some research into female sexuality that his frustration increased my frustration and the apparent unmet expectation of a quick orgasm really put my sensitive brake on. Instead of enjoying the sensations and playing and touching and experimenting, he had made it clear that he found me and my body lacking in some way. Even if his intentions were not to this effect, the message I got at that moment was his pleasure was dependent on me stroking his ego with an orgasm.

Our relationship continued to decline until he finally broke up with me and began dating another woman almost right away. We lived together and continued to sleep in the same basement for several months. We slept together twice after the break-up and if I hadn't realized how he was manipulating me in my vulnerable state, I'm not sure how long a casual sexual relationship would have continued.

I did tell my current boyfriend, Will, about my theatrics in the bedroom pretty early on into our relationship. He only said "please don't be that way with me". And he has always been open to whatever I need to be sexually satisfied. But even from the very beginning I still struggle with faking orgasms. Though I'm nowhere near the 10+ orgasms in the marathon sessions with Matt, the rate of me achieving orgasm is probably around 10-20% of his orgasms.

So I'm still not experiencing a healthy sexual relationship, and I've been sexually active for over 10 years. The longest I've gone without intercourse is 6 weeks after the birth of my son back in 2009. I have plenty of opportunity to practice, I just get very high anxiety about asking for what I need.

As I cried on the beach, both Will and my best friend Maddie noticed and came up to me to be supportive. I cried again later that night as we ate dinner in the airport. I bought my own little snack plate and bottle of water instead of eating the cheesy pizza or the greasy nachos they purchased. I didn't gobble down the cookies they passed out during the flight. I asked for tea instead of soda. I felt so different in that the worries and stress about food choices didn't bring about an emotional response - it was just food. And I was able to see how the decisions I made with each food option would influence my health and my weight.

So this is where I am now. I'm fixing my relationship with food - no longer using it to fill a hole that sexual pleasure should fill. No longer wrapping my weight around me like a cocoon or a shield. I've started to open up to Will slowly about my troubles. He has always maintained that it's up to me. If I'm not getting what I need I have only myself to blame. And he's absolutely right, as he usually is.

Maddie has also researched the EFT method and has begun tapping away her own issues regarding food. She initially saw my change in habits as a threat I think -- she ended up confiding in me that the book wasn't giving her the same epiphany I had and she was afraid of being left behind. So we just talked for several hours about our families and how food and weight played a role there. She's doing better but I think there is a lot there to unpack.

The biggest change is now I don't spend my evenings and weekends absentmindedly snacking. If I'm slightly hungry at bedtime I don't freak out. If I really crave something I will have a small serving or I will wait until my next meal. Food is just NOT a big deal like it was. If I feel myself slip into that mindset I get curious about it, looking for the WHY behind the emotion. Then I tap away the attachment. As I stay the course, I will reach my goal weight around April next year.

I'm ravenous and shaky...

I just competed the first workout I've done in a long, LONG time.

I honestly cannot remember the last time I did an exercise TV workout, or popped a Zumba DVD... I did do half a core workout from P90X with Matthew last month, but I don't count that as actually working out since I didn't get sweaty enough to warrant a shower.

This afternoon I was sitting on the couch wondering what to do next... when I pulled up Blogger to write an entry here, but then realized that I really didn't have a whole lot to talk about! I had done troupe on Sunday, but that was it in regards to exercise. So I started weighing my options with what I wanted to do in terms of cardio or weights and nothing really got me motivated... I considered going for a run (decided I didn't want to go out and discover how bad at running I've actually become), or doing P90X (I don't really want to deal with Tony today, and I don't want to make a 90-day commitment when I know I can't stick with it), or Zumba (I wanted to lift, not dance, today). Right when I was about to just pull out a couple sheets from Cosmo, I remembered the 10 Pound Slimdown. I was about to say "no way! I don't want to get THAT sweaty!" when I stopped myself and decided, if I want to make more changes to my body, I have to stop making excuses. So I pulled up the exercise on-demand to see if the program was even still available.

I was expecting to see the "10 Pound Slimdown" button and was very surprised to "10lb Xtreme Slimdown". Something new! I love trying new things!

And I certainly did see results after doing the regular Slimdown program, so I think hitting the ground running with this slightly harder version will be just what I need.

And I CERTAINLY gave my muscles a huge jolt. Today was Full-Body extreme, plus bonus buns. I was shaking and drenched at the end of the 40 minute full-body workout. She had a lot of the same moves as her other workouts, but there were a lot of new ones, different cardio drills and a FOURTH circuit. Oh my GOD those circuits work your butt off (literally, I hope!) I couldn't even do the buns workout, and believe me, I tried. I was taking my shower, and had difficulty keeping my arms lifted to wash my hair, and my leg was shaking when I lifted my foot to wash my toes. And now I'm waiting not-so-patiently for dinner, because I'm feeling weak with hunger.

Okay, so I just ate, half a filet of pan-seared tilapia, half a scoop of instant mashed potatoes, one fiber granola bar, and a couple spoonfuls of blueberry yogurt. Then I washed it down with a cup of ice water along with a multi-vitamin and calcium tablets. I feel very satisfied, even though I know I could have eaten a lot more. Earlier today I had an egg with cheese on a piece of buttered toast, plus a big mug of coffee and a weight watchers ice cream bar.

I'm really proud of myself for restarting the fitness routines. I won't be able to follow her weekly plan exactly, because I don't have a lot of time to work out most days. But I CAN stick to a better eating plan, and I promise to make the workouts a priority -- to not skip it when I actually have the time. I'm worth it!

But I am definitely going to be feeling today's workout in the morning WOO boy.

I'm going to measure my body and then weigh myself in the morning so I can track my progress accurately. Here are the stats:

Bicep at armpit: 13 inches
Chest w/ bra: 36.5 inches
Ribcage: 29 inches
Waist at smallest part: 28.5 inches
Tummy pooch: 38 inches
Upper hip (right under tummy pooch) 38 inches
Lower hip (right above thighs, across pubic bone) 40 inches
Thigh at crotch: 25 inches

In contrast with 6 months ago: 12.5 in bicep, 37 in chest, 30 in ribcage, 28.5 waist, 38.5 in upper hip, 41.5 in lower hip, and 25.5 in thigh. In total: 4 inches lost!

I'm still hovering right above the "normal" BMI range for my height, and really hope I can get down below it this week -- it'd be a real motivator for me!

More later, I'm going to go stretch now!

Still no weight loss

I'm SO close to the half-way point in my weight loss journey... I only need a pound and a half more! Yet the scale continues to mock me... I lost nothing over the weekend.

Granted, there was an Easter dinner and a handful of candy (plus cookies and two mini pineapple upside down cakes!) to be eaten Sunday, but I danced for over two hours, so that should have taken care of it!

I upped my calorie intake and I haven't really noticed a difference in how full I feel, or anything like that. I did the P90X Core Synergistic DVD earlier tonight - it's the first step in my plan to do the entire P90X program. I'm thinking I'll do the P90X "Lean" program modification. It focuses more on cardio and less on resistance/weight training. Technically, it's for those of us who would like to lose fat and sculpt lean body mass, instead of bulking up like the Incredible Hulk.

It's just as intense as the classic program and I definitely was sweating at the end. I could do a lot of the moves... and didn't have to modify everything, yet my legs felt like jelly after the cool down!

Tomorrow is the Cardio X DVD if I want to continue with the program. I really would like to finish up the C25K program first (today was supposed to be W9D1 but I never got a chance to hit the pavement) before I move on to a new commitment so I'll really have to make a decision about it.

More later.

Broke down and made myself coffee

I made a promise not to drink anything but water until the showcase but I couldn't resist making a cup of joe today.

So far, I have not had any fast food - even though we did stop by Taco Bell one night a couple days ago. I held to my guns and chose not to get anything.

I haven't gone over my daily calorie counts at all, and I make sure to document every bite I take.

I also ran on Monday and Wednesday, and I did a 45 minute Zumba routine on Tuesday - today I plan on doing some sort of strength training, probably the P90X arms and shoulders, and ab ripper X.

Unfortunately, the scale hasn't budged at all this week, despite my overhaul of unhealthy habits, which I cannot understand. I'm hoping it's just a temporary mini-wall and my renewed attempts will yield a big weight loss before the show. I need to lose four more pounds in two weeks to reach my goal of 168 by Cinco de Mayo.

Doable, if I continue this plan and the scale cooperates!

How I managed weight loss this week is beyond me!

But according to the Wii, I weigh 174.1, which officially puts me over TWENTY POUNDS DOWN from my highest weight!

It's a great feeling, it truly is. I thought I was going to see a gain when I stepped on this morning, and when the scale tipped in the OTHER direction, I nearly jumped for joy!

I must confess, I went over my calorie counts on more than one occasion this week, had Burger King late one night, drank soda and ate red velvet cake for a birthday, and I only managed a small loss on Tuesday morning (after gaining a pound Sunday), plus I only worked out on Monday (P90X chest and back, read: PUSHUPS like nobody's business!)

Today, after learning that I had reached a mini-goal, decided to go for a run. Even though I had to stop a few times to fix my iPod, and wait for EVERY crosswalk to turn green, I kept a 13:30 pace.

I really need to work on distance more than time if I want to complete a 5K this June, but I'm on W7D3 next time I run, so I only have five-seven more workouts until I complete the C25K program. If I don't skip any runs, I could potentially be done by the 25th, and then I'll have two months to work on my endurance.

Sounds doable, especially if I continue to lose weight! And I refuse to let the pounds pile on ever again, so that's a given!

More soon!

Today's weigh-in...

...went WAY better than expected! Wii says I lost 1.3 pounds since Tuesday (I had apparently gained .7 pounds between Sunday and then but this makes up for it almost two-fold!).

My weight stands at just under 176 pounds. As is probably obvious, I'm VERY happy. Haven't starved myself at all this year, I feel stronger than ever, it's a great feeling!

Went for another run today, did C25K W7D1, so that officially starts me back on track for the program! I just felt exhausted over halfway through, and I found out just now, after plugging in my route online, that I was running at a pace of 13:11! That's my fastest EVER, especially running for so long... I had to stop at 24:30 because I felt like I was going to collapse. I wish I had completed the last 30 seconds, but I just didn't have anything else in me.

Next time, I'll know to set my pace lower so I can run longer (because I need to be able to run a 5K! Endurance, baby!) and to really focus on not overextending myself in the first half of my run.

Hopefully, this weight continues to melt right off - my friend Heaven just gave me a bag of cute clothes and they look fantastic on me!

I'd love to look just as fantastic in my dance costume for upcoming performances, specifically Saqra's showcase (29 days away), and my mom's student show at the end of May (8 weeks). I'm thinking a realistic goal will be 5 pounds each month, but I'd love to get closer to ten.

Goal 1: Cinco de Mayo challenge - 168.
Goal 2: "Normal" BMI - 165
Goal 3: Size 13/14 pants

Zumba Day 6

Last Sunday was my first rest day, but I have troupe practice that day and since we are preparing for our trip to California we danced for the better part of THREE HOURS. And then we went and did a ten-minute performance.

Performances always wipe me out more than practice does, since it's so high-energy and you've got adrenaline pumping through you and you're smiling and sweating and, not to mention, you're wearing at least ten pounds worth of beads and fabric.

Overall, it was a fun night. But I did NOT miss the Zumba workout!

Monday I did the cardio party, and today was sculpt+tone and the flat abs routine. I was sweating the entire hour-long session!

The funny thing about Zumba, though, is that you feel SO energized afterward. I feel like I could go out and run a mile or two! I don't feel drop-dead tired like I did after the regular interval strength training and cardio yet I know I got just as good of a workout!

At any rate, I'm halfway through my first ten days, I've lost about a half-pound so far, but I have noticed my pants are slightly looser. Maybe their promise is for real! How nice would that be???

Teehee. Even if I don't lose a ton of weight, I'm going to do the 10-day program over again after I finish this first round. Then I'll take a few days to rest before the California trip, and hopefully I'll look better than I have in a long time!

Fingers crossed...

Diving back in...

...and praying I don't burn out!

Yesterday I did W5D1 of the C25K program, hopefully for the LAST time! I've commited myself to pushing past my mental block and just DO Day 2 tomorrow. Rain or shine. Hot or cold. Exhausted or not.

Why would I be exhausted you ask? Well. I have decided to get super-dooper serious about the weight loss thing again, just in time for the holiday season.

This is probably the worst time of the year to attempt weight loss but I like a challenge! If my will-power can survive Thanksgiving, it can survive anything.

I started up a weight loss journal yesterday and I'm looking forward to tracking my workouts, my pitfalls (fingers crossed that there are a minimal amount of these!), and progress.

I put my ultimate goal for myself at the top of the first page: "I aim to lose atleast thirty pounds before my 21st birthday. I want to look great for my trip to California in March and Saqra's Showcase in April. I want to reach my goal weight of 150 pounds before my trip to Las Vegas in July for the Wiggles of the West competition. More than I want my body back, I want my health back!"

Under my goal I wrote out 8 Mini-Goals to strive for each day. I want to change my habits and mold for myself a healthier lifestyle.

Four Exercise Mini-Goals:
#1: Get moving! Do cardio, even a small amount, everyday. (Atleast 15 mins, preferably 30).
#2: Finish C25K program, one day at a time, and continue jogging.
#3: Strentgh training! 5 times per week. Choose from magazine workouts or Exercise TV.
#4: Stretch regularly and don't skip it! No injuries on this journey, okay?

Four Nutrition Mini-Goals:
#1: Cut out soda - limit to less than 32 ounces per week. (This allows for two glasses on Saturday Date Night plus the odd drink.) Choose the diet option, or, even better, get water.
#2: Cut out fast food. Avoid even going there if possible. If not, choose two small items.
#3: Limit refined sugars, high fructose corn syrup, anything with ridiculously high sodium etc. Stick with whole foods whenever possible, more naked fruits and vegetables, 100% whole grains, and lean meats.
#4: Create a calorie defecit - aim to burn what you consume each day. This is the one and only way to healthfully lose fat.

I'm striving to get this under control. I know nothing will change until I work for it, and I'm ready to work for it. Since I started this blog back in January I've actually gained weight, creeping upwards toward 200 pounds and that scares me. I don't want to weigh as much as I did at the end of my pregnany over a year ago - I want to feel good and look good and settle back down into my healthy weight.

No quick fixes. The sweat and sore muscles will become my best friend, as will Jillian Michaels on Exercise TV.

(Regarding Jillian Michaels -- OH. MY. GOD. Her 30 Day Shred Level One kicked my butt today! My arms and hands are shaking as I type this and I'm not sure if I can stand yet!)

I also did a slow-paced arms workout from an issue of Cosmo. I love having a lot of options to choose from - I don't want to get bored doing one thing over and over, but I will continue doing the 30 Day Shred... I think I have a girl-crush on that woman! :D

Anyway, more tomorrow after I run 8 minutes twice. Ack! It's tough but I can do it!!!!

C25K W5D1, Times Two.

On October 20, I ran Week 5 Day 1 of the Couch to 5k program. And the next day, my knee hurt so bad I couldn't walk without pain. I couldn't lower myself to the floor, walk down stairs (going up stairs was fine, oddly enough), nor kneel on my knee without a sharp stabbing pain going through the joint and up to my hip. If I put too much weight on that leg and tried to bend it it felt as though my knee cap was going to explode and my knee was going to split apart. I iced it all that weekend... avoided using it... I did the bare minimum at bellydance troupe that Sunday and I skipped nearly two weeks worth of running intervals.

Ugh.

Today, however, I decided my knee is well enough that I could get back out there. I redid Week 5 Day 1 today and I felt so great! It was rougher than the first time I did it, but not nearly as bad as I thought getting back out there was going to be.

I'm looking forward to Day 2, and even Day 3 of this week! Though, my days have been thrown off because I don't usually do Tuesdays, but I felt I couldn't wait another day to get back out there and run my heart out.

Unfortunately, when I got back home that pain in my knee started back up. Is it the new shoes? is it running for longer stretches at a time? Both? Why is it only my left knee? Is it weaker?

I'm icing my knee now just to head off any swelling and I'll look up any information I can about what I can do to prevent another injury keeping me from running.

More later.

C25K W4D2

This program will end me. I will die in an implosion of sweat, tears and new running shoes.

I did Day 2 today. I contemplated not doing it. My body yearned to stay on the couch and watch TV.

But nothing will change unless I do. So I got dressed and I put on my new shoes and I got my butt out there. Same deal as Wednesday - I ran during the times it told me to, and I only walked during designated walk intervals.

But oh! how I wanted to quit. My feet hurt from wearing new shoes, my calves burn from being used, my thighs ache and my hips loudly protested the entire time. The joints in my legs are very sore because I pushed past all the pain and I did what I had to do.

And, since I was going at such a slow-ass pace, my breathing was never a problem. I didn't get a stitch in my side at any time. I didn't feel the need to gulp down my water after each jog. I'm not really that tired, I just hurt.

So I took a couple pills and I'll be using the weekend to recover. Hopefully, I'll have a better handle on Day 3, because next week, Week 5, is looking like the beast from HELL right now.

C25K W4D1

Well. I did it. I went as slow as a snail. I was probably going so slow it didn't even count as jogging, but I ran when I was supposed to, and I only walked when it told me to. My legs were very sore, even during the Warm-Up. I think Monday is partly to blame, and I also think my new, special running shoes contributed.

That's right! Both Matt and I decided to make our hobby of running official and get ourselves fitted for the most expensive shoes I've ever owned.

Apparently, when I run, I put all my weight onto my arches, effectively crushing my ankles inward with each foot strike. This is probably what was causing the sharp pains on the sides of my calves and shins. My new shoes correct the problem. They have a denser foam under the arches and force me to roll through my foot instead of nearly breaking my ankles inward. My shoes are Brookes Addiction 9s. They cost me 100 bucks.

And my first run on them went worse than I hoped. But! I didn't fail! I ran the stoopid 3 and 5 minute intervals and I kept my breathing under control! And I didn't stop! And I didn't throw up! My legs HURT though, and I think it's because the new shoes forceme to use more of my muscles to run. But if it keeps me from getting an injury I am all for it!

Anyway, Friday is Day 2 of Week 4 and I hope my legs have recovered enough to not make the run too difficult. I'm teaching class tonight (I think, you never really know if you're students are gonna show or not!) which isn't going to help the legs heal. I also walked more than a mile to get here (in the new shoes, hoping to get my legs accustomed to them).

Just over a third of the way through this program, and I'm not going to quit!

C25K W1D3

To say I half-assed this one is a total over-statement. It was over 90 degrees, I had a thirty-pound baby in a stroller and my heart just wasn't in it.

Do not think I'm going to make this a habit because I most certainly will NOT. Week one has just been a learning experience. One - make the runs a priority. Wake up thirty minutes earlier. It won't kill you. Two - if it's hot out, wear less clothes, or wait til it's past high-noon. Three - charge the iPod. Four - No excuses, because once you just DO it, you'll be glad you did. And Five - no matter how sore and tired you already are, you can still do the run in its entirety. Get your ass out there and stop being a baby.

My goal for week two?

Mainly not to die. Because I can't seem to make my iPod script do in-between minutes, I will be doing the full two-minutes of running instead of just 90 seconds. Maybe I'll do 2 mins running, 2 mins walking followed by one min running one min walking and alternate that between warm-up and cool-down.

Yes, that sounds a bit more bearable.

My other goals for week two? Do all three days, do not half-ass them, blog about each one, improve my average pace, and drink more water overall.

Anyone out there who wants to do C25K: Just get started. Don't make it complicated or list excuses why now's not a good time. Now is the PERFECT time. It isn't complicated, and you CAN do it.

It has been quite a while.

I'm really not proud of my lack of motivation. To be completely honest, I expected to be down about thirty pounds by now.

But I'm not. I'm about the same weight I was when I started this blog. 180-ish.
So. I've decided to do something drastic about it.

I'm going to run. And I'm NOT going to quit on the program I've chosen to get me running.

It's called "couch to 5k" and you've probably heard about it. The program uses interval training and starts out slowly to gradually build up a new runner's strength and stamina. At the end of 9 weeks, I'll be running a 5k (that's 3.1 miles) or atleast 30 minutes straight.

I am so serious about this. I'm GOING to complete the C25K whether I like it or not. At the end, I'll let myself decide if I want to continue running or do something else.

I've recruited my fiance Matt - he's going to do the program with me. We're going to start on Mon. September 20. We'll complete the program around Thanksgiving of this year. I've already put together a playlist on my iPod for myself complete with *ding!*s at the correct intervals so I don't have to mentally keep track of where I am in the workout.

At this point, I'm ready to go out there and just do it. My fears are, though, that I won't physically be able to complete the first workout (passing out halfway through) or that I'll be so sore after Week 1 Day 1 that I won't be able to move on to Day 2.

But I've never done a running program before, and I'm placing my trust in the person who created C25K to get me, literally, off the couch and running with minimal pain and maximum stay-with-it power.

My plan is to do a post after every workout to keep myself accountable. I'd also love to look back at week nine and read over how my first week went and see how much I've improved.

More later, bye!

This wasn't supposed to be as hard as it is...

It's been over five months since I began this blog. In all honesty, I thought I would be close to my goal weight at this point.

I'm not. I'm nowhere near 145 pounds. I'm still hovering around the 180 mark, and I hate it.

On a separate note, my body confidence is WAY up. I definitely feel thinner, even if the scale mocks me. And I've lost plenty of inches all over my body, and I'm stronger by far. My arms are getting toned and I'm getting more definition in my abs.

We are having an issue with LA Fitness -- they are unwilling to negotiate prices with our family, which has made my fiance a tad angry, since he's been a loyal gym-goer there for two years. So, he's considering cancelling his account and looking at 24 Hour Fitness. I'm just angry that I don't have my gym membership. The ONLY thing I asked for for Mother's Day and I still don't have it.

But, it's important to not get ripped off, so I can definitely be patient.

My new goal... it's tough to say. I still want to lose the extra 35 pounds, and I want to do it by the end of the year. That gives me a little less than six months, and if I can stick to a plan I know I'll get there.

That's all for now.

My first day on Alli

I've been preparing all week.

(Which, in reality, means I've been getting my fill of ice cream, donuts, cookies, brownies and strawberry shortcake.)

But that's irrelevant.

I had a bowl of cheerios with 1% milk, and one piece of cinnamon-raisin bread with a wedge of laughing-cow low-fat swiss cheese spread on it. Delicious, and only 20% fat.

For dinner I had Baja Fresh, and I chose the 2 taco combo. I got chicken tacos, black beans and rice. Again, the whole meal totalled around 20% fat.

I didn't have any snacks so I was very far under my calories for the day so I need to work on that. But I feel good and I'm staying motivated. Hopefully, I don't have treatment effects.

I'm about to get REALLY honest about my diet

I have made the decision to try Alli. I need something to hold me accountable and I think this is it. There's a large community of support as well as a website to keep me on track. The regimen will force me to change my eating habits. I will have to be commited to following a reduced-calorie diet that is low in fat. If I stray, the pill will cause treatment effects (basically diarrhea).

I'm really excited about doing this. It will be tough because I don't do the grocery shopping in the household, and people take turns making dinner during the week. Because of this, I can't always control what kind of food is available to me.

But I don't plan to take the pills for a long time. I need to change my eating behavior more than I need to lose a lot of weight (I barely fit their criteria for taking Alli. For my height, I should be atleast 177 for Alli to be a good idea. I'm only four pounds away from that!)

Anyway, I bought about a month's supply. I might also be getting a gym membership, and if I do I plan to go atleast two times per week, and hopefully more like 4 times. I'm hoping that taking Alli for a month will jumpstart results and that will motivate me to stick to the diet and keep working out. I have a little less than forty pounds to lose. If I could lose 25 pounds on my own, I would meet the 40 pound goal using Alli. This is obviously not going to be possible in one month and my timeline for this goal is actually 6 months.

My start date is next week, April 15. I'll go into more detail next post.