Listening to hunger cues

It should be so easy... to eat only when you feel hungry and stop once you're satiated. This idea of listening to one's body, one's own hunger cues, and using them to guide the amount of food we consume, is not a new one. Babies eat this way. Toddlers eat this way. My own son eats this way.

If you're like me, somewhere along this life you became fearful of hunger, and do your very best to avoid it. This makes dieting very hard, because even the slightest growl of my stomach would send me anxiously to the kitchen. To keep that feeling of hunger away, I would stuff myself at meal times and graze in between.

Combine this habit with the feeling of happiness and comfort I get when I eat, make me an emotional eater. Many emotional eaters are also binge eaters -- stuffing themselves with enormous amounts of food eaten at a furious pace -- but I have rarely ever truly binged.

I am unable, however, to leave food on my plate at meal times unless the food is not to my taste. And I will go back for seconds even after reaching fullness if the food is particularly tasty.

The following are what I have been doing to rewire my brain and become more intuitive when it comes to food.

1. I wait until I feel hungry to make myself breakfast, and because many times I don't feel hungry in the morning, my first meal ends up being around lunch time. 
2. I make myself small portions, for example I will make one egg on one piece of toast instead of a two-egg sandwich because I have found that this is usually enough to curb my hunger without the need for doubled calories.
3.  I try to drink water with my meals, and slow down my eating. 
4. I try to focus on my food instead of mindlessly multi-tasking. I keep most irresistible (to me) snacks out of the house altogether. 
5. To avoid taking unneeded seconds I have been making only enough dinner for one plate per person. 
6. I drink tea after dinner to up my water intake and avoid snacking.

These are a few habits I have found to work. I have not tied myself down and forced myself to do them - they are organic ways I have noted that keep me more in tuned with my body's cues.

This hasn't been easy. And last night, after a day spent listening to a book about ending emotional eating, I ate too much cookie dough and cookies despite a complete lack of hunger. This was after I saw a sold 192 on the scale that morning - one whole pound down in one week! I could not weigh myself this morning because the batteries are low, but once more are purchased I will update.

The process is more important than the end point, because the only true end point in life is death. Morbid, but true. I hope that day is a long, LONG way off, so I will continue to improve my health as best I can. More later.

Emotional Eating

After working out and tracking my calories for four straight days, I expected to see movement on the scale this morning, but no such luck. It was up a little bit to 193.6.

No matter. I have committed to getting my habits under control, and I trust my weight will take care of itself.

Today I have taken an interest in the topic of emotional eating. I have done a little research and realized this may be the root of my weight issues.

I was thin until my first few months at University, after which I became pregnant. I was depressed being away from family, being away from my then boyfriend, not having any money, and not doing well in my classes. Every morning (IF I got up that morning...) I would go to the convenience store in my dorm and buy a big pastry and chocolate milk to wash it down. I would take a soda with me to class. At lunch I would eat a large sub sandwich or piece of pizza, with chips and soda to go with it. For dinner I would go to the salad bar and load up, or I would get a burger, or I would go back to the convenience store and get a cheesy panini, which I would eat with a large jug of juice, chips with ranch dip, and candy.. candy.. candy. I had a stash of snacks to eat as I sat at my desk until 2 or 3 AM.

I ate all of this regardless of how hungry I was. I don't recall every actually being hungry.

But it made me feel better to sit alone in my dorm room and fend off any emotional pain by keeping myself preoccupied with the internet and tasty treats. This had never been an issue for me as a child - I never used food as a way to heal myself from negative feelings. But during this time my brain rewired itself and sought out food as a comfort item.

One good thing from that time is that I also went to the gym a few times per week to lift weights, swim, and sit in the sauna. I wish I had used this outlet more often, because it was a healthier way of coping with my emotions.

Looking forward, I know I must examine my relationship with food because every time my life became stressful or chaotic, I used it to comfort myself. I tend to find weight loss success during calm times in my life, but then I will quickly gain it all back once times get a little tough. I must get control of this habit, because life will always have good times and bad. I cannot continue the cycle of being a "fair weather" success story, where I can only reach my goals during sunny days and can't cope when the thunderstorms hit hard.

I think it was a good first step to realize how my relationship with food has affected me since that depression when I was 18. Moving forward, I hope to gain tools to use to identify emotional eating (stomach hunger vs. heart hunger), and to find alternative ways to deal with stress, anger, fear, etc.

I have to go. I will return with more insights.

It's an odd thing to read through past blog posts...

I've read through everything, every eye-opening, heart-breaking post, every triumphant, goal-smashing post, and everything in between. It's been 5 years since I lost all the baby weight. These 5 years have been the epitome of "life" -- ups and downs (including two new worst days of my entire life), heartbreak and new love, hard work and pay off, and weight loss and weight gain.

To quickly summarize: I paid off my past student loan in 2013, decided to go back to school, applied and got in to Clark's Dental Hygiene Program, started the program in 2014, was unceremoniously dumped by Matt the first week of school, lost 20 pounds in three weeks, met William in October 2014, got my driver's license in April 2015 and bought a car in August, lost the custody battle for my son later that month, saw him off to his first day of kindergarten in September, moved into an apartment with William later that month, discovered I had gained thirty pounds by December 2015, saw 200 on the scale for the first time since pregnancy in May 2016, graduated as a dental hygienist in June 2016, moved to a house in the gorge with William in July 2016, received my RDH license that same month, and I've applied to jobs and have gone to a couple interviews, and that brings me to today.

Wow. I wish I hadn't stopped posting to this blog because I love reading about my feelings as life happens. I was writing in a journal fairly regularly but that laptop was stolen last year and I lost all of it.

Today I weigh 192.9 pounds. That's exactly the same weight as my very first post to this blog, which I made on January 11, 2010. Over 6 years of ups and downs, with almost nothing to show for it.

I say "almost" because I have learned a lot about myself, I have matured quite a bit, and my reasons for weight loss are more well-rounded than they were when I was younger.

I'm not sure if I ever had a "reason" for weight loss other than vanity, and perhaps being stronger. After a very stressful two years in the hygiene program, working harder than I ever have in my life, I've come out on the other side knowing I can accomplish ANYTHING I set my mind to. My main concern for myself at this weight are all the health risks. I am hyper aware of my own mortality and it scares me to think my last days could be spent in agony because I didn't take care of myself in my younger years. The main illnesses I want to avoid are diabetes, heart disease, and cancer. All three can be prevented with a proper diet and regular cardiovascular exercise.

So I have set a pretty lofty goal for myself: to be 150 pounds by the time I turn 27. But more importantly than the goal is the daily effort and perseverance it will take to reach it. THAT is my focus now - gaining momentum and keeping a chain of effort going. Because if I've learned anything about myself it's that I am excellent at sitting sedentary, wishing for success to be handed to me. Rereading this blog reminded me that I took matters into my own hands once, and saw amazing results. This is the long game now - the fifty-year plan that will keep me mobile and happy until I am elderly.

Some bonuses to this fifty-year plan would be a more attractive physique, but it's not my focus anymore. Blood-sugar levels, cholesterol, blood pressure, etc. are my concerns. I've seen people who are 60, hunched and on dozens of medications due to years of self-neglect and I compare them to those who are 80, still able to pursuit their interests because they remained active and had the self-control to maintain their health.

The main tool is motivation, which will require a conscious effort until momentum kicks in. For me, downward movement on the scale is huge motivation. To reach my goal of 150 by my birthday, I will need to lose 43 pounds in 25 weeks. That's 1.72 pounds per week, which is in the healthy range for weight loss. I think focusing on the PROCESS of losing weight: the overhaul of the diet, the daily exercise, the increased water consumption, etc. is more important than focusing on the actual goal of seeing 150 on the scale, because sustaining these daily choices are more important than the number, in terms of health. Form good daily habits, and the weight will take care of itself.

My main problem that resulted in weight loss, every single time, was a lack of accountability and denial about the amount of food I ate compared to the amount of energy I expended. So I'm back to tracking calories, and I'm back to doing daily Zumba. These two things were what helped me to lose nearly 30 pounds in six months, it can help me again.

I plan to pick up the online journal again, as that was another tool that seemed to work. More soon.

Overhaul

I stepped on the scale at the doctor's office earlier this week.

I was MORTIFIED to see 185 pop up.

Though, I can't say I wasn't totally surprised. I spend a lot of time on the computer nowadays. I do a lot of crocheting, and reading. I treat myself too often, and I don't keep track of my calorie consumption. I certainly don't get enough exercise either.

But 185??? I had no idea I had crossed back over into the 180s. I remember when I hit 179 last year and vowed never to go back. That was over thirteen months ago. I UNDID an entire year's worth of work. GRRRR. But I think this is a pretty good wake-up call as well. I was getting too complacent, thinking I could ignore my health and have it take care of itself.

Well, no more.

I want to plan out and shop for good meals each week, and plan out my exercises for the week too. And I want to list them here each Saturday to keep myself accountable. Breakfasts are the easiest for me to plan, dinners are the most difficult so I'll just be watching portions and calorie counts. I'd also like to cut my intake of juices, sodas and the biggest one - coffee. I know I'll just crash and burn if I go cold turkey so for the first week here my goal will be one full watter bottle of ice water per day.

Overall Goal: Weight of 145-150 lbs.

Mini-Goal: 180 lbs at the end of April.

April's Goal: Overhaul my health-style.

Breakfasts: 1 serving whole grain, 1 serving protein, 1 piece of fruit, 1 serving dairy.

Coffee: Every OTHER day, use Stevia instead of sugar, 1-2 T creamer.

Lunches: 2 cups of veggies, 1 half-sandwich or 1 cup soup, 1 serving yogurt or almonds.

Snacks: Something small, like a fiber bar, a handful of nuts, one skinny cow ice cream, one glass of milk with essentials.

Dinners: At the discretion of the person who is responsible for cooking. I trust myself to look at what I've eaten so far that day and keep my portions in check with calorie counts.

Desserts: Once-in-a-while desserts are okay.

Water: One full bottle or two large glasses full per day this week.

Owie!

I did the total body extreme workout again tonight. I must admit, I did not workout besides going to troupe this week. I had many opportunities, truth be told. I was in soreness-hell for the first two days after my initial workout, but after that faded, I just didn't carve out the time to do it. I definitely had the opportunity, but no motivation. I will weigh myself in the morning to be sure, but I'm going to guess that I gained some weight. It frustrates me, because I'm RIGHT on the edge of being in the "normal" BMI range for my height. I last weighed in at 165.2.

My mom's student show is on the 29th, so that gives me just over a week to get that goal taken care of. I'm seriously done worrying about it, and having that small victory over the scale will definitley push me to lose more before the holiday season really sets in. I know last year I didn't gain anything, but I also didn't lose, after eating lots for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

My original goal was to be around 145-150 by the end of the year, and I can still get pretty close if I commit to eating right and exercising. I've already lost a lot of weight this year, I can keep going!

I'm ravenous and shaky...

I just competed the first workout I've done in a long, LONG time.

I honestly cannot remember the last time I did an exercise TV workout, or popped a Zumba DVD... I did do half a core workout from P90X with Matthew last month, but I don't count that as actually working out since I didn't get sweaty enough to warrant a shower.

This afternoon I was sitting on the couch wondering what to do next... when I pulled up Blogger to write an entry here, but then realized that I really didn't have a whole lot to talk about! I had done troupe on Sunday, but that was it in regards to exercise. So I started weighing my options with what I wanted to do in terms of cardio or weights and nothing really got me motivated... I considered going for a run (decided I didn't want to go out and discover how bad at running I've actually become), or doing P90X (I don't really want to deal with Tony today, and I don't want to make a 90-day commitment when I know I can't stick with it), or Zumba (I wanted to lift, not dance, today). Right when I was about to just pull out a couple sheets from Cosmo, I remembered the 10 Pound Slimdown. I was about to say "no way! I don't want to get THAT sweaty!" when I stopped myself and decided, if I want to make more changes to my body, I have to stop making excuses. So I pulled up the exercise on-demand to see if the program was even still available.

I was expecting to see the "10 Pound Slimdown" button and was very surprised to "10lb Xtreme Slimdown". Something new! I love trying new things!

And I certainly did see results after doing the regular Slimdown program, so I think hitting the ground running with this slightly harder version will be just what I need.

And I CERTAINLY gave my muscles a huge jolt. Today was Full-Body extreme, plus bonus buns. I was shaking and drenched at the end of the 40 minute full-body workout. She had a lot of the same moves as her other workouts, but there were a lot of new ones, different cardio drills and a FOURTH circuit. Oh my GOD those circuits work your butt off (literally, I hope!) I couldn't even do the buns workout, and believe me, I tried. I was taking my shower, and had difficulty keeping my arms lifted to wash my hair, and my leg was shaking when I lifted my foot to wash my toes. And now I'm waiting not-so-patiently for dinner, because I'm feeling weak with hunger.

Okay, so I just ate, half a filet of pan-seared tilapia, half a scoop of instant mashed potatoes, one fiber granola bar, and a couple spoonfuls of blueberry yogurt. Then I washed it down with a cup of ice water along with a multi-vitamin and calcium tablets. I feel very satisfied, even though I know I could have eaten a lot more. Earlier today I had an egg with cheese on a piece of buttered toast, plus a big mug of coffee and a weight watchers ice cream bar.

I'm really proud of myself for restarting the fitness routines. I won't be able to follow her weekly plan exactly, because I don't have a lot of time to work out most days. But I CAN stick to a better eating plan, and I promise to make the workouts a priority -- to not skip it when I actually have the time. I'm worth it!

But I am definitely going to be feeling today's workout in the morning WOO boy.

I'm going to measure my body and then weigh myself in the morning so I can track my progress accurately. Here are the stats:

Bicep at armpit: 13 inches
Chest w/ bra: 36.5 inches
Ribcage: 29 inches
Waist at smallest part: 28.5 inches
Tummy pooch: 38 inches
Upper hip (right under tummy pooch) 38 inches
Lower hip (right above thighs, across pubic bone) 40 inches
Thigh at crotch: 25 inches

In contrast with 6 months ago: 12.5 in bicep, 37 in chest, 30 in ribcage, 28.5 waist, 38.5 in upper hip, 41.5 in lower hip, and 25.5 in thigh. In total: 4 inches lost!

I'm still hovering right above the "normal" BMI range for my height, and really hope I can get down below it this week -- it'd be a real motivator for me!

More later, I'm going to go stretch now!

A lot to say...

I hate going so long without writing but I was feeling pretty down for a few weeks there.

Neither Stewart Title nor Willows Boutique called me back after my interviews with them. I had another interview for a sales position at Macy's which went REALLY well until the end when I embellished the truth a tad and she pointed out that what I said was, in fact, discrimination on their part, and I didn't try to back track at all, which I should have.

But... It's all right. Turns out, an opportunity presented itself right when I was feeling defeated.

Olivia, my younger sister, had a complete falling-out with her ex-boyfriend (the father of her children) and she desparately needed someone to care for them nearly full-time. So now I am staying home with my son, earning some income and spending more time with my neice and nephew who I had only seen a handful of times in the past 9 or 10 months.

I'm not going to lie, it's been a challenge to get my son to adjust to having my attention divided among more kids, but it's also been good for him to play with a boy his own age on a regular basis. And like I said before, I'm glad I can earn some money while also staying home to raise my baby boy. That was the most heart-breaking part about a job for myself -- spending a lot of time each week away from him. And Matt's going back to school next week so that would be time where both his parents aren't with him. Even though watching all the kids has tried my patience, it's pretty much the best option for me, in my opinion.

In other news, I've been working on my family tree, and at this point, my pedigree is complete back to my great-great-great grandparents (and ALL 32 of my great-great-great-great grandparents too!) and the tree goes back to the late 1500s, to my 12th great grandparents. I've been working on Matt's part of the tree, so that our son can have a completed pedigree too. I'm going through looking for pictures of their gravestones to add to their entries.

Also, my son turned two years old last week! He's such an amazing little boy, and I can still clearly remember the day he was born. It's scary for me to think about the future. Eventually, my son's going to talk more, learn to use a toilet, learn to play sports, and swim and sing his ABC's. Even farther down the road, he'll learn to read and write, play an instrument, eventually go to college, meet the love of his life and possibly give me a grandchild someday! Holy crap that's such a crazy thought it doesn't even seem like a remote possibility. I'm going to step away from the subject, because it gives me butterflies and brings tears to my eyes.

Right now I'm watching the season premiere of Biggest Loser. I made the decision yesterday to do a little exercise, then today I weighed myself for the first time in two months, and to top it off the new season started without my knowledge that there was even going to be a new one before the end of the year. Two of these things together would just be a coincidence, but all three together is the universe's way of giving me a sign, I think.

Like I said, I weighed myself this morning. Because I haven't really been giving a flying rat's booty about eating right, cardio, strength training, calorie counting or any of that, I half-expected the scale to tell me I was back up in the one-seventies. It's basically the reason why I stayed away from the scale so long -- I was afraid it would tell me the truth, that I had regained more than I thought.

Well, imagine my surprise when I stepped on to discover I had only gained 0.9 pounds! That's a tenth of a pound every week! And, even though that adds up to 5 and a half pounds over a year, it means I've only been consuming 50 extra calories per day. That's pretty close to the amount of food I should be eating to maintain my weight.

On the other hand though, I feel like I've wasted two months just... not caring. Like if I had just spent 15 mins each day doing some cardio or weights, then stretching and eating a little more mindfully, I could easily have lost up to five pounds in that time. EASY.

But! I have started anew and I plan to keep on it through the end of the year. I started fresh by rearranging my living area today. I like the layout a lot better. Jamison (and Gordon) have different areas to play, a book corner, a full table to work at, lots of toys and more space, since I was able to create better storage areas for our boxes and things.

I'm generally wiped after a day of watching all the children, and after they are gone, it's usually too late for me to take a shower so I avoid doing things that get me really sweaty. Today was great because I was cleaning and pushing furniture around and generally worked my butt off, but I ate over a cup of chocolate frozen yogurt so I think I more than cancelled it out.

Here are my new goals: get down under 165 before Halloween. (Totally doable. I am 165.5 as I type this). I would actually like to be closer to 160 for my mom's student show at the end of the month, and then 155 for the belly dance competition in November.