My body

I have decided to take a couple pictures and post them here because all successful weight loss stories begin with a horrible "before" picture.

It's not so terrible, actually.

I'm probably not as fat as you expect someone who is trying to lose weight to be. But If you saw a picture of what I looked like before, you'd think I was quite large compared.

My biggest complaint are the stretch marks. I realize they are a badge of motherhood but the extra skin and fat in that area make me look 18 weeks pregnant again. My waist isn't as defined as it once was, I have really big love handles and I'm about a size 15 in jeans.

I've got my work cut out for me, but I know it is possible.

But all this work and anxiety over my post-partum body has me doubting whether I want any more children!

I was hoping to be down a lot more pounds than I am.

I weighed myself this morning wearing only my bra and underwear. The Wii Fit program has me logged at 185 pounds.

Really? UGH. I really wanted to be down atleast ten or fifteen pounds by now. Though, with the way I eat is that really realistic?

Probably not. I haven't stuck to my diet as well as I should. I go over my calorie budget atleast once, if not twice or more times per week. I don't eat nearly enough fruits or vegetables and I probably should cut out a lot more of the refined sugars that I consume DAILY.

A couple days ago I really got into the mindset though because I read an article that said if a new mom doesn't lose her baby weight by the six-months mark, she'll be much more likely to still be overweight when her baby turns ten years old.

I don't want to be overweight for ten years! I want to fit into my old jeans! I want the strong, toned muscles I had before and I want my flat tummy back!

I'm going through my iPod right now and looking at the kinds of foods I have eaten in my calorie counter program. There is a lot of crap in here. I really need to get it together and CONSCIOUSLY make my decisions. Every time I bought a Mountain Dew for myself I was putting tons of empty calories into my body. I was using my own money to hinder my weight loss.

I'm going to go through the food list and delete the junk. From here on out I vow to choose whole foods that fill me up and are WORTH something to my body. More fresh fruits and vegetables, only diet soda, juice, milk and water to drink. I will eat enough at each meal that I won't feel hungry at midnight because that is when I give in to the fast food cravings.

I WILL lose this weight. I will.

I only have SO much willpower...

I've been reading articles on willpower. I have difficulty saying no to things that are unhealthy and that don't fit with my new lifestyle and I have difficulty finding the willingness to take initiative in doing the things that improve my health.

Today I walked for almost two hours. I pushed a stroller with my 22 pounds son in it the entire way. I could have taken the bus, but I decided to walk. I also grabbed diet soda instead of full-sugar. I know I should be cutting out everything except water but I am taking baby-steps.

But I almost had fast food again tonight. I haven't been following my "one time per week" promise I made to myself. The only reason we didn't have Taco Bell as a late-nite snack tonight was because my boyfriend's homework ate up a lot of time. I'm kind of glad it did - analyzing my hunger now reveals that I am not as hungry as I thought I was.

I think this is because I know there is NO possibility of fast food right now. Before, when there was a possibility, my stomach was rumbling with hunger at the thought of a burrito. At this point, I would have to go upstairs to the kitchen and risk waking the household up to make myself food.

With that as my only option, I feel I can wait until tomorrow to eat. I didn't have a lot to eat earlier though. My lunch consisted of a hotdog and bun with mustard and hot cocoa. Dinner was a grilled cheese sandwich made with two slices of American cheese on oat and bran bread with a fourth cup of salsa to dip in and a 4 ounce glass of milk. I ate the last serving of my Valentine's Day candy this morning, so my daily intake of calories totals 880. My exercise came to 350 so I netted 530 calories. I had over 1,100 calories left for the day! I could have had SO much Taco Bell and I would still have been under.

But maybe today was a good day. I feel good. I'm tired but not overly so. I have noticed that my weight loss has stalled. I think it is because I haven't been following my calorie allotment as strictly as I should (and my love of Mountain Dew is seriously hindering my ability to stay on track).

But back to the willpower thing. Does one only have a certain allotment of willpower? If I use up my willpower on one aspect of my life will I be unable to hold fast to other promises? I don't know if I believe that. I think that I will be more likely to be LENIENT on other things if I stick with my plan on certain aspects.
Like today. I walked a lot instead of taking the bus and I drank a diet soda when I really wanted a Mountain Dew. So, I was willing to give up my Fast Food boycott because I was really good earlier.

And I think this kind of mentality is really toxic to my goals. I'm sitting here at my computer right now and I didn't have any Taco Bell. And I am fine. No adverse effects - in fact, I feel great!I probably could use a little food. Maybe an egg and a big salad. But I don't need that greasy food I usually eat.

Okay, it's late and I feel like my rants are going nowhere.

Until next time.

Happy [[early]] Valentine's Day!

I shall try my hardest to avoid the chocolate. I'll just visualize my body as it was pre-pregnancy and have TWO pieces only. It isn't an insult to the giver. It's a compliment to my goals.

I am SO excited, though, for the day after V day. My fiance and I are going to buy a new mattress and boxspring. Having my son gave us a tremendous tax return (he joked about how we should have another baby so our next years' check will be even larger. I tried not to laugh in his face toooo hard). The budget had originally included all Ikea furniture but because we recieved more than four times the amount of money we were expecting we decided to buy a really high quality bed like Tempurpedic or even a Sleep Number. I am really looking forward to sleeping on pillowtopped memory foam. I don't get much sleep so it will be nice that the few hours I do get will be quality.

Good sleep is imperative for good health. I think this is one reason moms have such a hard time getting their bodies back. I have discovered a major trigger: If I haven't slept well, I'll crave simple sugars as an energy-boost alternative. This is a problem because I almost never wake up feeling refreshed. My son is still too young to consistently be sleeping long stretches at night and this really affects the duration and quality of my shut-eye. This, coupled with an old matress that sags in the middle which I share with a nearly-300 pound man, hinders the full recharging of batteries at night and I often look to junk food to keep me going. This may be why I need the fast food late at night. My body starts to crash from the sugar I had consumed earlier and craves more because it knows I'll be up for a few more hours.

Blah. I'll have to research foods that stabilize energy levels. I'm sure pairing lean proteins with complex carbs is the solution but I need to look up quick snack ideas. I would right now but my son just fell asleep, it's late, amd I need to take whatever sleep I can get.

Goodnight!

It's been a month...

...and it feels like forever and an instant at the same exact time.

It has, however, been a while since I last posted. I've turned twenty since then! I've also rejoined my bellydance troupe, and had my first performance since giving birth!

I'm also, at this moment, terribly sick. As is my son. Last week we took him to the emergency room because his cough hadn't gone away (though his stuffy nose had). They did a chest x-ray and, fortunately, they didn't find pneumonia. He had a viral chest infection and it would be gone in about a week. A week later, we all feel crummy, and he's even worse than before. He's refusing to eat and he cries the majority of the time he's awake. His diaper output is a mere percentage of what it normally is.

I need sleep because my throat is sore like I'm sure his is, but he only sleeps maybe an hour at a time. My whole body aches. I feel sluggish and exhausted. I haven't had much to eat but I'm not particularly hungry. Actually, now that I mention it, my stomach is quite empty.

Now comes the decision of the night - do I eat a super-late night meal? Or do I wait another 12 hours for lunchtime?
This isn't a major decision right now. I'm sick and I have a sick son to care for so I should eat to keep up my energy. I should also put in my caloric intake for the past 24 hours because I haven't done that yet.

Okay done. I did really bad yesterday because I still haven't found the willpower to resist a Mountain Dew or some Taco Bell. I'm 500 calories under for today. (That is, unless acetomenophin has calories!)

The old, broken scale in the bathroom says I weigh 190 now (down three pounds!) and the lowest I've been on Wii Fit is 183 with a BMI of slightly more than 26 (which is considered overweight).

If I'm going to lose the weight I want to lose and change my lifestyle I'm going to need to be a little better about the choices I make. This week, I'll look at triggers and ways to deal with them or avoid them altogether.

Until next time.