181 pounds

I had hoped, as March turned to April, to be down at 171 but I have rested at 181. Which, even though it falls way short of my goals, it is progress. I have taken a break from the food diary and have been focusing on each meal - each choice - I make. I've been walking more. I've pushed myself to do cardio, real, get-sweaty-and-not-just-for-five-minutes-cardio. I purchased the biggest loser last-chance workout yesterday, and as soon as the muscles in my calves and shins feel better I'm going to pop it in and push myself hard.

Because, believe it or not, even with a sore butt, thighs, hips, abs, back, shoulders and neck, I feel great. I feel strong and, though not completely in shape, I feel healthy.

I've only had Taco Bell once in the past 2 weeks.

And I've been sick. Even now, as I type this, I can't breathe through my nose 100%, my throat feels dry and scratchy and I'm tired even though I got 8 hours of sleep last night.

I had a chicken-salad sandwich for lunch, made on whole wheat with a little mustard and chipotle Tabasco. With it I had a peanut butter granola bar and a cup of Goji-Raspberry green tea sweetened with two tablespoons sugar and a splash of milk.

I haven't done any physical exercise besides housework today. I had wanted to take a walk with my baby but his Grandparents arrived home and I let them take him to play. Dinner is soon but I don't know what it is.

I must confess, secretly, that I am a little jealous of my older sister. She just had a baby three weeks ago and although she has been overweight all her life, she now weighs less than I do.

Granted, she smokes and LOST weight during her pregnancy - both super horrible things to do. The smoking alone can cause so many health problems and I wish she would quit. But anyway. None of her clothes fit. She bought herself new jeans - size 9. I haven't been a size nine since I was a freshman. Grrr. Why do I let this bother me so much? Maybe it's because she has decided to gloat about it. Maybe it's because she didn't have to work for it. Either way, it just bugs me.

But, in a way, she has motivated me to get my butt back down to the size 9 it used to be. I felt really good about myself at that weight.

More later. I can't wait to try out the biggest loser dvd.

I'm hoping to go for a long walk today

It's nice outside and I always feel good about myself after taking a walk. Pushing my son in his stroller makes it even more challenging and I listen to my iPod on 'shuffle' to get into a good mood. I'm still having trouble with willpower. I had cut out Mountain Dew completely for more than a week but then gave in horribly the past three days.

This goes back to the broken promises I make to myself and my lack of accountability. I CAN lose this weight and I know the way to lose is straightforward but I sabotage my progress horribly by making bad decisions. Not only do I make these bad decisions but I make them consciously. I know the choices I'm making will set me back but I choose to do that.

And then I come here and complain about myself to you guys. Awesome.

Today I ate a bagel with melted cheddar cheese and two slices of salami. I also drank a cup of chai tea sweetened with sugar and milk. It's been three hours since that meal and I don't feel at all hungry yet.

I have gained a lot of strength in my abs since starting this diet and exercise program. Pregnancy caused a lot of my muscle tone in my core to disappear and I can feel solid ab muscles underneath the skin and fat on my stomach. My arms are also stronger - they don't get as tired now when I'm carrying my 22 pound son around! But again, there is a layer of fat over my upper arms that masks strong bi- and triceps.

My legs still need a lot of work. My knees hurt terribly and I'm not sure what I'm doing to cause it. Walking is low-impact and they don't hurt with my strides but squats and lunges are almost impossible to do without my knees crying out in agony.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to getting even stronger. I know muscle burns fat so I'm going to work on losing fat while gaining muscle.