Checking in after 8 months

First I would like to say that I saw on my scale this morning a new low weight of 166.4! I haven’t seen that number since my break-up with my son’s father Matt, nearly five years ago. Before that, this blog has me reaching that weight in June of 2011. Before that, I hit the 160s as a new HIGH weight  likely in  the fall before I became pregnant, at the end of 2008. So I’ve officially yo-yoed this weight for the third time.

I would love to make the assertion that THIS time is different, and I will NEVER go back. But I now know that’s a touch naive. I cannot see the future and what it will bring for me. What I do know is that I have figured out a lot of my emotional attachment to food and how easy it is to fall back on the old habits of using food as a way to numb the discomfort of life.

William and I moved to a new house at the beginning of this year and it has been fantastic taking on the role as the woman of the house. I’ve pushed myself to create the space I want to love in, with a clean kitchen, clean bathrooms, mopped and vacuumed floors and clothes that are folded promptly after they are washed and dried. At the start of the year I made a commitment to a daily yoga practice. During that time I noticed many positive changed in my mental and physical well-being. I’m sorry to say around mid-March it became harder and harder to hold onto that goal. And I have slowed down on the weight loss dramatically.

I work more than I ever have and I’m considering trading my multiple jobs for one full-time position.  I have been staying up too late and not drinking enough water. But I HAVEN'T gained any of the weight back. I’ve been sitting at or just under 170 for several months. This I consider a huge accomplishment, because I’m the past if I stopped logging my calories or took on a more stressful schedule I would shoot up in weight. I’m still not restricting, still not white-knuckling and still able to enjoy all the foods I love eating.

My biggest issue is the mental resistance to losing further. This weight is associated with some pretty significant times in my life. I found myself wondering if the IUD I use as birth control is contributing to this “plateau” or if it’s just my body’s “happy place” with the amount of food and liquid calories I consume weekly.

I gave up soda completely for 5 weeks starting the first weekend in April. I’m incredibly proud of that accomplishment. Now, I stop and consider if I truly want the sugary beverage before I consume it. Most of the time I choose a different refreshment. I love tea in the evenings. I’ve cut back my alcohol consumption to only on the evenings when I don’t work the next day. These two small changes helped push my weight down to 166, and I feel better for it.

I’ve also been working on my sexual health. I signed up for Finishing School, an online course offered by a sex therapist. I went through a lot of the exercises and examined my beliefs about pleasure, orgasm, intimacy, etc. a lot of my fears that have kept me faking my pleasure have stemmed from the fear of abandonment. I am truly terrified that, if Will blew the extent of my struggles, he would no longer want me. I am working on getting to the point where, I don’t CARE if he leaves me over this. Would I want someone who would have so little regard for my happiness and so much ego dependent on his perception of me being a perfect sexual toy for his pleasure? I want my answer to be NO.

I know my biggest struggle now is with communication. I find it so hard to say what I want, what I need, how I feel, etc. I use humor and/or mild annoyance verging on anger to shield myself if I find I am forced to speak a boundary or make a request of William. That is unhealthy at best and a recipe for disaster at worst. I will be working on this aspect of my life next.