Emotional Eating

After working out and tracking my calories for four straight days, I expected to see movement on the scale this morning, but no such luck. It was up a little bit to 193.6.

No matter. I have committed to getting my habits under control, and I trust my weight will take care of itself.

Today I have taken an interest in the topic of emotional eating. I have done a little research and realized this may be the root of my weight issues.

I was thin until my first few months at University, after which I became pregnant. I was depressed being away from family, being away from my then boyfriend, not having any money, and not doing well in my classes. Every morning (IF I got up that morning...) I would go to the convenience store in my dorm and buy a big pastry and chocolate milk to wash it down. I would take a soda with me to class. At lunch I would eat a large sub sandwich or piece of pizza, with chips and soda to go with it. For dinner I would go to the salad bar and load up, or I would get a burger, or I would go back to the convenience store and get a cheesy panini, which I would eat with a large jug of juice, chips with ranch dip, and candy.. candy.. candy. I had a stash of snacks to eat as I sat at my desk until 2 or 3 AM.

I ate all of this regardless of how hungry I was. I don't recall every actually being hungry.

But it made me feel better to sit alone in my dorm room and fend off any emotional pain by keeping myself preoccupied with the internet and tasty treats. This had never been an issue for me as a child - I never used food as a way to heal myself from negative feelings. But during this time my brain rewired itself and sought out food as a comfort item.

One good thing from that time is that I also went to the gym a few times per week to lift weights, swim, and sit in the sauna. I wish I had used this outlet more often, because it was a healthier way of coping with my emotions.

Looking forward, I know I must examine my relationship with food because every time my life became stressful or chaotic, I used it to comfort myself. I tend to find weight loss success during calm times in my life, but then I will quickly gain it all back once times get a little tough. I must get control of this habit, because life will always have good times and bad. I cannot continue the cycle of being a "fair weather" success story, where I can only reach my goals during sunny days and can't cope when the thunderstorms hit hard.

I think it was a good first step to realize how my relationship with food has affected me since that depression when I was 18. Moving forward, I hope to gain tools to use to identify emotional eating (stomach hunger vs. heart hunger), and to find alternative ways to deal with stress, anger, fear, etc.

I have to go. I will return with more insights.