It's an odd thing to read through past blog posts...

I've read through everything, every eye-opening, heart-breaking post, every triumphant, goal-smashing post, and everything in between. It's been 5 years since I lost all the baby weight. These 5 years have been the epitome of "life" -- ups and downs (including two new worst days of my entire life), heartbreak and new love, hard work and pay off, and weight loss and weight gain.

To quickly summarize: I paid off my past student loan in 2013, decided to go back to school, applied and got in to Clark's Dental Hygiene Program, started the program in 2014, was unceremoniously dumped by Matt the first week of school, lost 20 pounds in three weeks, met William in October 2014, got my driver's license in April 2015 and bought a car in August, lost the custody battle for my son later that month, saw him off to his first day of kindergarten in September, moved into an apartment with William later that month, discovered I had gained thirty pounds by December 2015, saw 200 on the scale for the first time since pregnancy in May 2016, graduated as a dental hygienist in June 2016, moved to a house in the gorge with William in July 2016, received my RDH license that same month, and I've applied to jobs and have gone to a couple interviews, and that brings me to today.

Wow. I wish I hadn't stopped posting to this blog because I love reading about my feelings as life happens. I was writing in a journal fairly regularly but that laptop was stolen last year and I lost all of it.

Today I weigh 192.9 pounds. That's exactly the same weight as my very first post to this blog, which I made on January 11, 2010. Over 6 years of ups and downs, with almost nothing to show for it.

I say "almost" because I have learned a lot about myself, I have matured quite a bit, and my reasons for weight loss are more well-rounded than they were when I was younger.

I'm not sure if I ever had a "reason" for weight loss other than vanity, and perhaps being stronger. After a very stressful two years in the hygiene program, working harder than I ever have in my life, I've come out on the other side knowing I can accomplish ANYTHING I set my mind to. My main concern for myself at this weight are all the health risks. I am hyper aware of my own mortality and it scares me to think my last days could be spent in agony because I didn't take care of myself in my younger years. The main illnesses I want to avoid are diabetes, heart disease, and cancer. All three can be prevented with a proper diet and regular cardiovascular exercise.

So I have set a pretty lofty goal for myself: to be 150 pounds by the time I turn 27. But more importantly than the goal is the daily effort and perseverance it will take to reach it. THAT is my focus now - gaining momentum and keeping a chain of effort going. Because if I've learned anything about myself it's that I am excellent at sitting sedentary, wishing for success to be handed to me. Rereading this blog reminded me that I took matters into my own hands once, and saw amazing results. This is the long game now - the fifty-year plan that will keep me mobile and happy until I am elderly.

Some bonuses to this fifty-year plan would be a more attractive physique, but it's not my focus anymore. Blood-sugar levels, cholesterol, blood pressure, etc. are my concerns. I've seen people who are 60, hunched and on dozens of medications due to years of self-neglect and I compare them to those who are 80, still able to pursuit their interests because they remained active and had the self-control to maintain their health.

The main tool is motivation, which will require a conscious effort until momentum kicks in. For me, downward movement on the scale is huge motivation. To reach my goal of 150 by my birthday, I will need to lose 43 pounds in 25 weeks. That's 1.72 pounds per week, which is in the healthy range for weight loss. I think focusing on the PROCESS of losing weight: the overhaul of the diet, the daily exercise, the increased water consumption, etc. is more important than focusing on the actual goal of seeing 150 on the scale, because sustaining these daily choices are more important than the number, in terms of health. Form good daily habits, and the weight will take care of itself.

My main problem that resulted in weight loss, every single time, was a lack of accountability and denial about the amount of food I ate compared to the amount of energy I expended. So I'm back to tracking calories, and I'm back to doing daily Zumba. These two things were what helped me to lose nearly 30 pounds in six months, it can help me again.

I plan to pick up the online journal again, as that was another tool that seemed to work. More soon.